year ender...

in a few hours from now i would be saying farewell to 2005. i dont like to sound corny but looking back at the events that transpired from last January until now i cant help but risk sounding cheesy and...

not more than a year ago to this day, I and some friends planned to start the year and cap the previous with a bang. and a bang it was. it served its purpose and to start a different year for most of us, we parteed.

life was never the same after that eventous week. although i must admit my relationship with my parents at that point was at the peak of its instability. i was reckless. i fought and struggle to justify the things that i have been doing. it was sour. the year started on a note no one wants to. but when you’re down, there is no way but up. somehow i knew that i have gone through the worst of things.

around April i decided to go to the states with my dad. although it meant traveling again, a thing that i have grown accustomed to since i have been blessed enough to have gone to places most of my peers only dreamed of i told myself that i will enjoy this trip. i was a blessed kid because at a young age i was able to see a world and know things not common to most on my age bracket and even older. i somehow managed to lose this perspective and wisdom. i became content with what i had then. i lost the passion to do greater things. well, greater than what i was trying to convince myself i wanted to keep doing. i was contented with that.

the trip opened my eyes again. i saw the potential and the possibilities, the wonders that i can do. i resigned from my job. i tried mapping my life again. i tried dreaming things again. i was alive again. resigning liberated me in many ways. i knew instantly that freedom will only come when i released myself from the bondage that my work got me into. i no longer felt comfortable and that woke me and forced me to see options.

although i didn’t plunge into something like another job immediately i knew that i will eventually. September came, and again i flew to the states. something inside me was forming - a sense of purpose and direction. i was fighting it because it meant total separation from the things that i have grown to love. i know that i will have to detach myself from my current associations and focus on things of different nature. it was easy to let go of some things. but i have develop ties i dont wanna let go. i have met people that i have grown to love and care for so much. i am not willing to let go of them. they mean so much to me. although i know that the intensity of how i feel towards them may not be the same as what they have towards me, i still want to keep them. if only i can hold them close to my heart i will.

i kept the communication line open. i had to make do of the next best thing. i may not be physically present but i made sure that my presence ones in a while is felt. i don’t know if its working but i have no choice.

a few weeks ago i went to Singapore. by this time it was evident that i was better off compared to working and tied down to my previous office. i was stubborn. my dad kept telling me that but being the person that i am. i had to realize it the hard way. and i sure did. by this time, i was slowly realizing that one of the heaviest burden in my life is slowly lifting. i was slowly letting go of a past and an illusion. it was hard to accept but gaining a logical and sensible frame of mind was like a potion that slowly worked its magic.

i have deluded myself into believing a fairy tale. one that i have fed into my system too much that i started to believe in it with conviction. a year ago i was certain i will have the "happy ever after" ending but now i am starting to see my purpose. i am starting to wake up. waking up is amazing. it involves more than just opening your eyes. it is almost imperative that you sit up, stretch, and eventually stand up. ones your awaken, you can’t just lie down. something inside of you will yearn to get up and that is what’s stirring in my being now.

as the year comes to an end, i look back. i see things that i've overcome. i see small, big, and trivial things that was instrumental to what and where i am now. i know it is not the end. i will not have a fairy tale ending. life and living means i am a work in progress. i will never be perfect as i am now, i will only be more complete as i go on. as i continue to live each day getting closer and closer to where i am heading, i will become the person i am meant to be. things are getting clearer now. i am awakened and my body yearns for something. something this new year will unfold.

running out of...

while on transit going to my tito's house for the family reunion i was suddenly reminded how different things were. i am older... much older. a new year is at hand and soon another number would be forcefully added to my age. as my father drove on my thoughts went on floating and lingering. i was calculating and forming a time table on my head as to when i should start planning my future. a future that no longer had me alone but me building my own family.

i felt time was slowly and steadily ebbing away. it was so irritatingly steady and constant that i was starting to feel it as if the sand of the hour glass was slowly but surely overcoming me and burying me alive. even now i can’t put into words the panic that i felt. i wanted to gasp for air. there was an aching need to claw my way out of something, something that i am not yet prepared to do. my heart palpitated. i felt my body react violently to the idea. i am not yet ready for that.

a few months ago i gave marrying and having a family a thought. although my increasing fondness of children was getting more and more noticeable i cant bring myself to think of being with someone. of course i can easily resort to just having a baby, but i want to give my kid/s the best. (blogd about that...click here) i found a sanctuary. i told myself i can always find a girl even if i was, hmmm, 30ish. yeah girls like having a stable, older, mpore mature guy. "i will surely get one, even a couple of years younger if i like," i thought. but as i was sitting at the back of my uncle's adventure i knew that i am merely convincing and justifying myself. i cant bring myself to even start to think about that particular someone. i am not ready for this.

in the next few years people will start to notice me. even now i am already in the marrying age what more in the next 4 years. seing my nieces and nephews did not help for sure because it only made me look older. i am running out of time and soon i will be running out of excuses. i dont know which comes first but i can feel it with certainty that i am about to face that. i dont know why i suddenly felt that? i want to know if every body goes through a stage like that. a stage where in your almost forced to grow up. i cant be the only one!??

i miss this song!

AMBER lyrics

***thanks tani for putting something like this on your blog. got inspired. hehehe

NYR

my new year's resolution or at least before the current year ends is to make my friends testimonials as gifts. i wanna let them know how happy i am to have met them and spent time with them no matter how short it maybe. i want them to know that i value our friendship and that i am looking forward to more memories we can share. i miss em...

a day before the day!

just finished editing a video presentation for tomorrow. i feel tired but there is a fire burning wihin me. and that is to give the best that i can to the video that i made.

i dont have much to give but my talent. and i hope that many peple will be blessed by the finish product. i wanna do so much more.

back home

arrived yesterday from my singapore adventure. i had fun at the conference/youth camp. i got severly burned as i am now sporting a dark tan skin. but its okay. it was worth IT

***click here for camp pics

leaving Singapore...

its has come. the day i was waiting for when i arrived. i am finally going back home. im standing at Changi international airport and im waiting for 1305. i cant wait to go home but at the same time i dont wanna leave. its odd but sopmething here made me see things differently. its now 12:09 and ill get the best of what i can in less than an hour.

i learned a lot from this experience. granted that it was my first travel out of the country alone...(and by that meaning not with my dad or parents...sick right?) i learned so many things about me as much as those that surrounds me. things were awaken and realization again materialized. i was meant to do this. i was meant to get somewhere.

fopr so long i have run away from it. i have managed to lie to myself and in doing effectively and fro so long i started to believe the lie. i was not meant to do it. but yes i am. its in my bones. its runiing through my blood. i am meant to do great things. i am scared realizing that but i know that by His will i can do it.

its cliche-ish to say that i learned from this trip but the facqt of the matter is i did. i am happy i went and i am looking forward to going home.

the first(s) day

the day started arund 9am. ate aileen woke me roughly 30 minutes earlier than she was supposed to. kainez! i roused myself from sleep because i dont want to be the cause for not getting to the airport in time. a plane left without me ones and i am no way gonna let that happen again.

i took a bath after making sure that my internet connection was actiave again. our dsl service just started a couple of days earlier and i wanna get the most out of it, well at least while i am able to. i took time scrubbing my body using my nuetragena rain bath. man, taking a bath was never the same since i bought that on one of my earlier trip to the states.

after the soothing shower i went to my room and started pilling stuff that i will be taking with me on my trip. i didnt pack the night before because i spent my time bro. we watched just like heaven. nice film! i also uploaded pics from dada's visit to my littew island.

when i was dry enough i started getting clothes and dressin up, matching shirts and pants as i decide which one to bring. define vanity. well i was successful to pack about 7 ensemble to wear. hihihihi...

we got a cab around 11:43. we got to the airport around 10 past 12. i was a bit worried that we wont make it in time. lo and behold after i thought that we made it the guard at the entrance told me we were on the wrong terminal. HUWAAAAAAT?

we manged to get to the right terminal and get through immigartion and into the predeparture area with time to spare. fortunately the centennial airport was not as tight with security as naia. i was not asked to removed my shoes. i ate Christmas clubhouse at delifrance with my friends and waited for 2:55.

we boarded the plane on time and landed on around 25 past 6pm. while on the plane i suddenly felt a sense of fright. its like your ut of your territory and your gasping for air. i felt like a fish out of water. i was drowning from something i cant figure out. its killing me softly until i had to let go and just go with the flow.

met the guys that were suppose to pick us up and i put my best foot forward trying to be as "mr. congeniality" as possible. i think i fooled them. i really dont want to attend the conference but who knows this might be end up something good. if not for my two companion i would have stayed at home. it was there first time out of the country and being there to witness it was amazing. safe to say it was the higlight of my day, my first day at singapore, and also my first time to travel without my dad.

(written at betel box Singapore)

dos palmas adventure

...two of my friends visited me and off to paradise we flew

***click here for more pics

blush...blush...

someone sent me this... am so happy!

"Hello... musta ka na diyan? How's mom and dad? hehehe... ; ) luv ya... miss ya so much... uwi ka na dito."

on to...

my dad just decided for me. im going to singapore tomorrow. last night i kindda decided not to go. although i was still open to the idea that i might be going. my dad woke me up around 7am and seing how i lokked made the decision for me. (and he gave me 100 us...) wah...

nice song... wahhhh

lyrics courtesy of: http://www.livejournal.com/~fullview/?skip=13

defined blessed...

i just learned that i am chosen to go to singapore for a youth gathering this dec 14-19. im getting the hang of this. so far i have gone out of te country three times this year. wahhhh... saya!

getting involved...

i just finished a brainstorming meeting which lasted for about two hours. it was a creative team meeting to develop a multimedia presentation for the topic "why the world is lonely?"

the main subject was about friendship. it was in response to the 7 highschool students that commited suicide last week. 7 students who could be alive right now if only they had someone to talk to. 7 young men who could be at home doing what regular teenage boy do if only they had someone to listen to them. our team leader felt that he needed to talk about the value of friendship, being the person, the friend for someone who desperately needed someone.

in this day and age its not very difficult to be alone. you might be in the middle of a crowd but deep inside your alone. personal connection is getting less and less because of work and the need to earn money. if only you can buy personal genuine connecton. suddenly, i remembered my friends while we were discussing the presentation. i remembered those that i used to hang out with. i remembered those faces whose name has slowly escaped my memory as i go on with my daily life. i remembered. i was out of words at what crossed my mind.

i asked myself have i lost a friend because i had no time for them? do i know someone who resorted to commiting suicide because he/she felt no one was there for him or her? i was surprised to be involved in the meeting earlier much less leading the discussion. but what really hit me was the fact that what we discussed was true. those seven kids would still be alive if their friends were real friends. i dont want that to happen t me. i want to be there for my friends. i want to be involved.

its her!!!

Last year around this time, this song has been played over and over in our group. ding... ding... ding... "jinplex," the marquez way. ah! those good old days. anyway for quite sometime it became our anthem. yes sir...we were listening to it before it ever played on the radio (and became so chaka! hehehehe) the song had so much meaning to us that me and my friends started gathering songs and looking up the artist, bonnie bailey. and everytime were together we often wonder how she looked like. well finally, i found a picture of her. (thanks to the hed kandi website) yipppey! hurray me... she is tssskk...HOT!

***the pic was from http://www.hedkandi.com/
***the lyrics was from http://journal.mesedilla.com/archives/2005/08/10/bonnie-bailey-ever-after

A Reason to Smile.

the other night i fell asleep listening to a rather familiar tune. although i have not heard it for a good two years or so, the song still has the power to move me. at first, i was a bit hesitant to download it let alone listen to it. (i guess when you have so much time all to yourself you go crazy and start doing things that are...yeah...dumb!) but as i mustered my courage (out sheer boredom) and clicked on my now old yet classic looking 3rd gen ipod, i was surprised to realized that i was, as i take each line of the song like it was air, smiling.

so far, my life has been higlighted with songs, songs that at certain junctions in my life have landmarked feelings and experiences. i guess its safe to say that music has played (and continually is) a very important role in my life. sometimes i reminisce on the past cherishing the ironic beauty of defeat, failure, pain, and the uncertainty of that moment...that hour. although most of the feelings are now insignificant, i visit those times that may have been hard to learn. i have learned so much from the past. it led me to where i am now... smiling.

i have avoided that song for a long time for it had been a footnote of a love that had died. it had for a good 9 months been the core of a love that although short lived proved to be the most intense and passionate one to date. looking back i wonder about a lot of things, things that could have made the outcome different. looking forward i wish for the same intensity, attraction, and passion. and as the song played i listened. and yes memories come rushing in. but im not sad anymore. im not even afraid but i am thankful for the feeling. i am grateful that i had 9 months. 9 months of love. 9 months where i felt love and wanted. most people wait a lifetime for moments like that. moments that i now have crystalized and imbedded in a song. a song that had me smiling.