chemical mbalance

Damn chemical mbalance. U thought ud get away wid it. Bt jus wen u least expect it, it blows it n ur face like a big fat lie revealed. D emotns uve struggle to keep at bay are all clammerin 4 d attentn. A 15 minute of fame as each posses ur being making each kept feeling knwn throughout d conscious mind. Each taking turns n d center stage of ur being spewing nrequited, neditd, uncensored, nfinishd, unsatisfied feeling. Its making fun of u, this now unkept emotion as u panic for a solutn. One that would come only when each member of d mprisond nconcious self had a chance to perform. When each had make a mockery and hav managed to ridicule ur core, it wil end. Bt there seems to be more untapd emotion waiting in line. So u struggle to gain control. U try to box out and claim d stage. U aimlessly try to trick every feeling back to d bottomless pit that u call subconcious. Bt at d same time ur tempted to entertain the thoughts that were able to display thier mirage like truth. Ur seduced to fuel the fire that the unsolicited feelings, although partly fictitous, hav ignited. Ur drawn to d spark that shed light to contorted truths and misleading assumptns. U wana see more bt at d same time afraid of what a raucous and freaky/mad scientist like assortment of wild attractive yet destructive imagery ud see. Ur abt to plunge into d swirling tempting spiraling threshold of everything that s hidden. Bt u stop. U should stop. Bec its nt true. Not all of it are at least. On a regular day u wouldnt even pay attentn. Y now? Its jus mbalance. Sleep. Let it pass. Let it slide back and drown each silly thought back into d pit, d abyss, back n2 d chambers of d unknwn until its summond again by mbalance. Uve truimph. Bec, its all bt mbalance. Ur will will always be strong. So
be strong.

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my love for you will... (part 1)

...keep me home. i asked myself why do i need to stay away, far away from my friends and much further away from the life that i have grown and learn to love. but there, right there when i said it, when the words left my mouth, when my heart picked and utterd the word love, i knew that i had to go. as the word echoed in my head, it created ripples that made my entire being shake almost uncontrollably. it shook me to the core. how can i say its love when it only talked about me. what i want and what i need! what i would risk to get what i want. and what i wouldnt do to keep that which i need. inside i breakdown. inside everything crumbled.

i will go. because time has changed me. amazingly, i have grown to understand and accept a definition of love that is not selfish. a few years back i would have fought the thought of going home. i would have made bold statements, immature statements, such as that which would surely hurt those that i seek to shower my affection with. unknowingly, i would have struck them deep. i would have delivered a blow that will leave scars that never heal.i would have clumpsily sold myself out in objection. good thing my eyes have been opened. but is should remember. I should always remember.

...untitled

“You are in the best place, the right place. You will never regret being here. Your destiny is at hand! Most people work themselves to death hoping to get satisfaction and fail. you've reached that, a purpose and a reason why you live, why you work, why you serve.”

A friend of mine, A SPECIAL FRIEND, just got the recognition he so long deserved with a raise to boot. Another friend is charting her life and I believe positioning herself to a more suitable and viable career path. Another friend is anticipating a promotion while two other have recently enjoyed the financial benefits of their jobs.

I have been battling in my mind for about a week now on my choice of staying back to the place i've, for so long avoided, grown fond of. The potential seemed limitless. When I think about it, d possibilities of impacted lives, I noticed myself driven. I dream dreams and plan almost unrelentlessly with CONVICTION AND DETERMINATION. I start to see visions. I become enamored by it and with it feel a sense of purpose. But every now and then n my contemplation and n between that elating power of sense purpose I feel VULNERABLE. With such comes no guarantee of recognition that would compare to one that lasts for eternity. But at times security comes with d tangible fact. False it maybe the things, comforts, this physical world offers I can’t help but feel a little worried.

then I remember a promise. A promise that through the years I have witness and with certainty Attest. You will not lack anything for great is the BLESSING AND PROVISION that awaits those that walks on their destiny.

I have FOUND it, I think. I jus have to keep myself reminded, focus, and refrain from getting distracted by trivial, material satisfaction. I must keep myself on guard for such gift, the revelation of reason, why we are alive, because it is easy to LOSE it. It’s easy to get DISTRACTED. And then you’re like d rest of them. AIMLESS in their existence. LIVING TO WORK AND WORKING TO LIVE. A BITTER CYCLE that eats the PURPOSE and the immeasurable potential one can do for others. With such void they ebb away. When they die they vanish unlike those that lived and died with d purpose. A purpose usually greater than them yet consuming them. But instead of disappearing you burn brighter. With sense and reason. You become more than yourself by giving yourself up for the cause. A cause people would die for. In the end you live not die. I should remember. I will not die. I should remember...

the song...

you're still you


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sms message...

someone sent me this a few days ago. i guess its safe to post here... just a shout out, this aint a product of my twisted sanity!

Boy:i saw her.
Girl: i saw him.
Boy: stil pretty,n she luks so hapi.
Girl: i felt lyk cryin bt i wont let hm notice dt.
Boy: i wondr f shes now tken.Mayb she s.
Girl: im sitl single.cnt seem 2find sum1 hu cud take hs place.
Boy: i knw she's angry.
Girl: aftr al he's done,i cudnt gt angry.
Boy: im a coward nt 2 chus her.
Girl: he ws brave enuf 2chus d 1 he truly luvs.
Boy: n i regret t.
Girl: n im hapy 4 him.
Boy: i luv her bt its 2 l8. She doesnt luv me anymur.
Girl: i luv hm stl bt i shud muv 0n.

i only wish... but i may...

i miss... dada, anjay, alcy, tani, alex, jayce, dennis ...and dom, jaime, boj, arvie, jay, matt, shahani, shie, pao, toy, jaq, dhaz, jp, mervin, row, oli, angemel, lean, shayne, jei, liza, hazel, rachel, kaziel, ney, china, tasha, rg...





Another Way - Paul Van Dyk

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recollecting...

Ode to the Ones I Have... Will... and Forever Love... but for my mom and dad... i love you thats why i am staying longer...

sleepless

every night for almost a week now, i find myself restless with an increasing difficulty to find sleep. and when i finally have, thank heavens for that sweet deliverance from attempting to count sheep and god knows other less mentionable mechanisms to lure sleep, i find it more difficult to rouse myself from slumber. and when i say slumber i mean it deep to the point where you dont want to wake up sleep.

with the arrival of that big 06 comes another year...another birthday and thus another number added to my now obviously maturing age. i cant help but consider the not so distant future. what future am i talking about? well read on... so, as i negotiate and assess my life and where i want to go, i came to two almost profound and sleepless night worthy thought. what do i want to do in life and why should i do it?

thinking about it makes things easier... i reckon id be able to sleep and wake up easily... wah! life... kalowka...

2006

a lot has happened in the last week. a new year has just started but things seemed all too ready to get going. personally i feel bothered with things that seem to sprung up from no where. although i must admit that such things have crossed my mind in the past. the difference this time though is they have a certain air of urgency. the kind that seem to have a menacing effects if i am not to yeild.

last night while i was poking on my cellphones i came across notes and messages that made me realize how things were different now. in my memory it didnt seem that distant. but as i looked into the dates that flashed on my cellphone i came into realization...indeed, it has been that long. i have changed. surprisingly i did.

for a brief moment i tried to visit the feeling that came with the notes. i dug deep inside searching for the trigger that led to such outpouring of emotion. i knew i was risking my heart from feeling that agonizing pain of longing that for sometime i have mastered to inflict on myself. one that literally drove me, at countless times, to the point where my body seemed ready to throw up. in the past, whenever i let myself wallow and read those heart felt, misguided declaration of itense love and dedication to wait, i find myself in tears. but this time it was different.

i feel older now. looking back i feel wiser. yes, i have gained perspective through the years that i lay curled in the night my pillow wet in tears. but at the same time i cant deny an overpowering force that makes me uneasy. i can feel it as it course through my veins and into my very being. as i wrote a few blogs back i feel like im runnig out or time. i feel a force pushing me forward propelling me into something i am not yet ready to face. i should be excited. im am after all venturing out to new horizons. but i am, yeah i am, scared!

NY

hmmm... new year... a fresh start!