regret

damn! you are a killer.

i used to tell myself "i wont regret things that ive done simply because they are instrumental to who and what kind of person i have become." i believed that so bad that i started doing things, that i wouldnt really do under normal circumstances. And for the sake of that misaligned justification - that evrything happens for a reason/what doesnt kill me makes me stronger attitude, i plunged myself into the abyss. now, im face to face with him, as i am forced to swallow my youthful pride and admit my defeat, i surrender to regret.

it would probably be sweet for those who have religiously warned me to be wary to utter that phrase, the not so vindictive yet not so caring phrase "i told you so." goodness, evn i have said it to myself. A little part of me that for so many times i managed to push aside to the corners of my overcomed reason, forced to take the shape and color of that which is, at that time seemingly, rational. of course, we know now that its a mistake! i was wrong.

something happens when you age, when you are slowly forced to accept the undeniable and inevitable face of reason. everything happens for a reason, i reckon. although things would have been different if i chose a different path, for sure reason will still find me. thats probably why they say regret is always in the end. having said that, is it the end?

i have suffered much. and most of which are self inflicted, i know. its like im standing on the top of the hill and only now am i realizing that there are so many other easier route, less perrilous, and less tiresome. yet i wonder why i kept on. i have been warned. even now i have this abnoxious voice in my head saying "i would still chose the same route." so in the end, would i still chose the same path?

i wanna brave that face, that sly and judging face. i wanna stare him in his eyes eagerly and see through that pool of lost potential and what-could-have-beens and drown. i have no where else to go, anyway. sooner of late he will come.

so bring it on!!!