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im back home. finally. but i miss my friends.

Anxiety Attack

I am having it again. I can feel it creeping in slowly and surely. It's a rush that I am not anticipating for. and come to think about it, it's something that I if only I could, I wouldn't want to feel ever again. Oh! crazy anxiety attacks, why do you come when I least expect you?

I arrived thursday. Yey! I was back in the megametro. As usual my list of friends to visit was long. I was excited, ecstatic even, to get a chance to meet up with people that I so wanted to see.

But somewhere inside, somewhere in me tells me that things are different. they are never really what they seem. It's like a part of you wants to believe so bad that you get yourself convinced that things are not what they seem. I was wrong. But I was also right.

You see, I want to believe that I can disappear and re-emerge back in the circulation and find the things the way they are. I want to feel that things are the same. That feelings can lasts forever. One thing is for sure, people will forever feel lost if only they would stop and think about it.

I had a chance to do that. I stopped going with the flow and assessed my life, where I wanna be in the next ten years, what I will live for, my purpose, my reason for existing. It was easy really. All it took was a flight away from all the buzz, lights, sounds, and what most would satisfyingly call "life."

This couple of days though was the real test of stamina. I am back in the arena again. I am empowered because now I can make decisions. One that I was blinded to even imagine I can do. It was a tough decision.

I dunno what triggered the anxiety attack really. But now as I write this entry I am realizing it. it's getting clearer and clearer. It is very easy to lose focus of what you really want to do. granted that you have found that one thing. the one thing that would make you live a significant life not a self consumed life. (that thought requires a blog) It takes so much effort to stay on track.

I got distracted. But the control of anxiety is now wearing off. why should I worry about tomorrow, letting it affect my today and not really enjoying life. why should I worry about something that I am not sure I will have. Waking tomorrow is a gift, a blessing. It is not a inevitable. Death is. so why should I worry about tomorrow when I can enjoy life now, today, with my brother.

excess: I just sure wish i got to spend time with those that I had on my list. guys you were on my mind and in my heart. -kaziel, ves, dada, shie, jay, matt, rexcy, shanz, jaime, mark, andrei, alex, rane…

Thoughts on (tonight's episode of) Nip-Tuck

people are so obsessed with beauty and youth simply because they haven't come to terms with the fact that we all have limited time in this world. They want to do so many things to validate their importance and significance through the acceptance that they get with their peers who in reality is as lost as they are. each trying to find satisfaction in a society who knows none.

people want to satisfy their inner child. they forget that all of us need to get grow up and face responsibility. it really takes a mature person to face life. and there are a lot of child-grown ups out there. wondering aimlessly in search of something that would make their life more meaningful.

I guess this obsession with beauty, youth, and acceptance is brought about by the fact that most people haven't really found the thing that they are created for. they squander their youth in pursuit of a lifestyle that actually seeks to destroy them. and each one of us forget that there is a reason why we exist. (some people will not agree with this. its just sad if you don't believe this. man, your so lost)

Personally, I see my life as part of a number line that extends to infinity past to infinity future. it would be a shame if I live my life in such a way that no one would ever really knew i existed. that i was not able to etch a line on that vast line - a significant life.

define lost in space

My internet connection in the office.