the day

in about 10 hours or more my friends will be meeting up and have a wonderful night out. -dinngit! meanwhile, i am stucked here in a far a way place. if i can fly i know i would have spread my wings and braved the clouds and the sun, who cares about getting sun burned as long as i get there. but as always there is a bigger picture of things. /me trying to keep an objective state of mind... (didnt kow its this hard)

one thing i learned from my last trip to the states is to take in the moment and try to learn as much as i can with regards to the feelings involve, insight created, and decided foresight, and takeint consideration the positive and negative outcome of such occurance

ding! i am forced t think again... bummer... on the other hand im sure i have money at the end of the week... (otherside of me: but i wanna see em...)

should i or should i not

in line with the previous blog, i ask myself should i make it known to the world that i am miserable or not?

well lets see the pros and cons. obviously my dad will get irritated and all the hard work done for the last two-three days will be gone to waste. i wouldnt want that considering that i did that without any alterior motive. i did that out of my hearts desire to do something meaningful. with my dad's irritation he might loseinterest in ever buying me the powerbook. if that has crossed his mind i wish it has.

and here comes my dad...back to the boondoks

damn feeling

i am depressed and its starting to annoy me. i dont know if its worth entertaining or not, but what i know and feel at this moment is that i wish i can fly.

but i cant. i can wish my heart out but the fact remains that i will have to pend tomorrow night away from those that i want to be with. although i managed to spend last week with them, i still in my heart of hearts want to be with them.

there is this boy inside me that wants to scream and throw tantrums and i am trying very hard to control the need to let him out. yeah i am that desperate. but if you were to be with the people that you so want to be with, wouldnt you feel the same?

although the thing that drives me equally nuts is if they want to be with me as much as i want to be with them??? damn feeling!!!

smiles much

i loved seing smiles on my friends' faces. earlier this am, around 4am, i went to the place where i used to work. i surprised my friends with my arrival and of course "KRISPY KREME."

yeah i bought 4 boxes of donuts right before we went to the LAX monday morning. eventhough we had a lot of boxes and luggages, not so ordinary for a FILIPINO balik-bayan, i managed to carry four dozen donuts. i thought they would like it insted of me buying chocolates, which is also so ordinary.

our plane landed around 11:30 at naia. i woke up just as the plane was landing. i slept through the entire flight. its funny how noisy filipinoes are when they are all cramped up in a fuselage. but amidst all the chatter i fell asleep.

we managed to gather our oh so heavy boxes and get into a van around 1ish. we got home and was able to unpack around 3ish. it took so long because we rummage through the boxes and segregated stuff that are for pasalubong and those that originally belonged to us.

around 4 am i asked my bro who decided not to sleep to join me. dada will log off from work around 5 and i wanted her to be the first ones to see me. so we went.

i called her ten past 4 and asked her to go out. she was so surprised to see me. hazel was with her. we talked and after several minutes i let them go back to work. around 5 am she came out and now with rachel and liza. they told me that the donuts was a hit. what made me happy even more was learning that my manager was so surprised to see the donuts. although i was expecting she would let me in, the idea that she cant stop saying "oh my gawd" suffice.

around 10ish i went back to the owfis to hand out my extra pasalubong. seing their faces as i gave them my well thought of tokens was rejuvinating after all i missed them so much. i wanna make them happy. if only i can be with them everyday but that will ruin moments like earlier.

tempted

tomorrow after lunch ill be boarding northwest to fly back home but somehow a part of me is thinking of staying. but if i stay what will i do?

some people come to the states and never come home. i think i am one of the select few who will always come home. personally, i dont see the states as a final destination. yeah, some people work and when they have enough savings they go back home. funny, coz as soon as the savings run out they are on the next flight out of the country. and the cycle goes on.

the other day while we were in san diego i asked myself, if i stay and find myself a job, and soon after get a green card, and probably after a couple of years petition evry living relative, what will be next? find a wife and marry and have american citizen kids.

there has to be something more. my life's goal is bigger than migrating to a different place. i believe i exist to do more than just earn money and make a better living out of the one i grew up into. but for a second there a part of me is tempted to stay.

i am not closing the door of coming back coz i know i will. but staying for good is definitely not my goal. i may stay for a longer period of time but this place will never be my home. i have one already and i love it.

spike of vanity

i need to lose weight if not turn my body into something oogle worthy. wahhhhhh!

intoxicating

i woke up early today feeling a little refreshed. the entire day yesterday was spent walking. from 9am to around 9pm we were walking, running, sprinting, squeezing in and bumping people at disneyland theme parks. yeah i was there. its my 5th time to visist the resort but i noticed one thing, the attraction of the rides may have diminished through the course of time but my fascination for the children amused and entertained by the magical world that the park provides amuses me.

while we were roaming the park i took time to enjoy the children around me. no, i didnt do anything illegal. i merely took in as much toddler vibe as i can. there is something refreshing seing their faces as they get fascinated with the magic. somehow the magic was transfered to me and magnified by their innocent smiles - makes me want to have a kid of my own.

makukuha din kita.

its just a matter of time. wahaha...




***pics from http://apple.com

conqueror...

today was a bit hectic because of things that needed to be done. we arrived around noon-ish from san jose where we, my dad and some friends, met up with old friends. we left van nuys around 3am and arrived at san jose around 8. we had bfast at kuya matt's house (ahhhh...filipino food...yummy!) come to think of it i have gained around 7pounds since we arrived. im looking at the mirror now and i am partially disgusted at the person staring back at me.

after eating bfast we headed for san francisco to go sight seing. tito bernie and tita lisa were with us so my dad decided to show them around. i did not mind tagging along. this is very much unlike me. but i made it a point to enjoy the moment we had together. before i left manila i told myself that i will try to set aside personal agenda for the family. i wanted to experience life in a different way. life not solely about me but about the people that are around you.

traveling is not an alien idea for me, considering that i have at my young age been blessed enough to go places, being with my mom and dad was refreshing. i took in the moments that past as if it were fresh air. i had fun sitting beside my mom, making fun of things around us, paying close attention of the things that are different from home, me taking her seat belts off, and sleeping together at the back of our rent-a-car GNC. i enjoyed the conversations that we had while in transit, the pictures taken, the odd poses, the food, the pasalubong hunting frenzy, the people at pier39. but most of all i cherish the moment my dad and i shared while were crossing the GOLDEN GATE on foot. although i am agrophobic i enjoyed each step that my dad and i shared.

after that, we headed back to kuya matt's house around 6pm. there was a small talk around dinner and i listened intently as my dad talked about life and the impact that we have on others. suddenly, i remembered my friends and those that i met along the way in my personal journey to self realization. yeah! its true. it may sound weird but breaking away from my usual/old routine and taking in as much time observing, reflecting, and (braised yourself) meditating.

i looked back, as far back as i can remember, and try to assess if i have made an impact to those that i have come in contact with. i may not see most of them again and if ever i would things may not be as they used to - definitely. as i think more and more i felt sad. i am saddened at the fact that i may have lost the oppurtunity to do something meaningful out of each encounter. i listed all those people who meant something to me and i came up with a very long list. that night i, last night, i prayed for my friends. risking sounding religious, i prayed that like me, they would have the chance to see life in a different way.

on the lighter side of things, we just had dinner and i was talking to my dad about returning the 20gig ipod photo he bought for my brother and replace it with the new ipod. the usual jop and the jop that i used to know would not let that happen. although i have a CLASSIC, ELEGANT looking 3rd gen ipod, i am the first born and i should get the new one. but earlier i finally saw myself graduate from that. it may have been the lack of oxygen while walking across the bridge but like my fear of heights i was able to conquer my selfishness.

***more pics at http://gus-twisted-pics.blogspot.com

robbed, disappointed, and irritated

who would think that you can get robbed when checking-in your luggage? dang... dinggit! i should have locked my bag.

last tuesday we flew to tacoma washington to attend a leadership/team oriented conference. i packed my stuff but left my ipod and accessories for later packing coz i was using them the night before. the following day i slid them on my backpacks front packet. on the airport we check-in our luggages. when we got to tacoma and to the house wer gonna be staying for the following days i couldnt find my firewire cable. i thought i left them back at our california house. i did not fret. in the morning i was looking for my italk because i brougth it with me for occasions where i would need to record, or in this case wanted to record, sessions and messages of brilliant speakers which were abundant in trhe conference. i knew that would be the case so i intentionally brought my italk. but low and behold i couldnt find it. i supposed i left it back home together with the cable. i again did not fret. the following night me and a friend decided to watch mr and mrs smith on his new sony vio laptop. the sound was not good enough bec the room was huge. we decided to use our earphones, my in-ear and his earphones from his PSP. i volunteered my isplitter because i knew i had one. but alas, it wasnt there.

so after several days of thinking i left it back home came the time for us to return. i was kindda happy because i bought another pair of chucks (see my picture journal...its the orange and pink checkered) and a case that has speakers for my ipod (see entry on my portable walking speakers.) when we arrived we did not go straight home. my dad decided to drop by FRYs, a place for gadget enthusiast. there were laptops, usb, dvd, camera, mp3 players, pda, and all that sorts. i can actually live there. if only i have a lot of money i would buy all the stuff in there and enroll myself into total geekness. finally, we got home. i was so eager to try my new speakers but since my ipod run out of battery i went to my room and looked for my cable. WHALA!!! woala... WALA... damn!!! i opened my bag and rummaged through my stuff but still wala. i was panicking. the air around me is getting thinner and thinner. go to breathe... gotta... gotta find it.
but i couldnt!

i just bought myself a cable which cost $19+tax. the italk cost around $39.99+tax and my monster isplitter is around 7.99+tax. what a wasted of money. i learned my lesson. always lock your stuff. i am so irritated and disappointed and so robbed! huhuhuhuhuhu

on the way...

a few more days and i will be flying back home. that is if i dont decide to stay a little longer. but why should i? i never liked the US except for vacation purposes. i never did fancy living in a fast phased world. but thinking about my reasons i discovered few truths that striked me.

i asked myself why i dont want to stay? because there must be a good reason why. the more i did the more it dawned on me that i am againts it because i am afraid. SCARED. FRIGHTENED. i am afraid of going out of my comfort zone and into a place where i am as insignificant as the rest. life here in the states is demanding as much as it is rewarding if you have plunged yourself into it. if you buy in the philosophy that this society is presenting it might work for you. that is the truth that i am seing right now.

i have stayed away from the idea because i am not willing to change. i have again, as i wrote on my previous blog, opted to be contented with mediocrity. but as i have just realized growth requires change. i am open to that and i am anticipating the conflict which if i know myself that well will all be interpersonal.(talk about personal conflict.)

tough decision...

i have made decisions in the past but the one i am doing right now is by far the toughest. there are things that i guess one really needs to do head on.

for so long i have been trying to avoid seing things in a bigger perspective. i have made a residence in mediocre-ville. i am now seing things differently. i know its gonna be hard but what kind of change isnt hard. one cannot expect to grow or see growth without undergoing change. i learned from Paul Scanlon that change initiates conflict and then manifest growth.

i am tired of the life in my village and i think its about time to move to mature counrty.

WHAT???

just got back from a meeting and i cant stop thinking about what am i to do - what should i be doing. being here in the states for several days now and meeting a lot of people, young successful if not on the way to success people, makes me look back at my life and assess. the need for assessement is almost imperative. well, i am forced to. seing how my last three to five years has been and how my friends are now, i am drawn to a state of reassessment.

(whoops...lunch is served...)

thoughts...

1. what do i want to do in life?

2. what am i doing to get to that?

3. do i know the sacrifices?

4. am i willing to risk it?

finally...

it feels like ages since i last blogged. i dont know but somehow i feel relieved that i have finally been able to write. have i turned into a blog-thinker, a person who is able to think only when he is blogging?

its probably true that i have resorted to blogging for my daily meditation. its therapuetic(for me.) i find it easier to analyze my life and where i am in my life- journey while im blogging. but why blog about it? its probably because almost all my life i feel like i am a fish in a tank watched by so many, prone to praises and (most of the time) criticism.

so what have i learned so far? detaching and dissociating myself from my life back home,which my dad insist that i do, made me realize a lot of things, simple things, that i tend to/avoided to pay attention to. i opted to believe, and effectively made myself believe, that i am what i made myself to be. i have finally convinced myself, my rebellious self, to believe in the web of lies i made to justify the things that i am doing wrong to make myself feel good that i started to live it. i saw myself. i saw how far i have gone. i saw how much i have fallen.

what am i gonna do about it? i am consciously pushing myself to change. although i know that a part of me doesnt want to change, probably its a bigger part. nonetheless i am gonna push myself. i am gonna push even when it hurts. i will push till i get over the things that is holding me back. i will until i am victorious.