2006

a lot has happened in the last week. a new year has just started but things seemed all too ready to get going. personally i feel bothered with things that seem to sprung up from no where. although i must admit that such things have crossed my mind in the past. the difference this time though is they have a certain air of urgency. the kind that seem to have a menacing effects if i am not to yeild.

last night while i was poking on my cellphones i came across notes and messages that made me realize how things were different now. in my memory it didnt seem that distant. but as i looked into the dates that flashed on my cellphone i came into realization...indeed, it has been that long. i have changed. surprisingly i did.

for a brief moment i tried to visit the feeling that came with the notes. i dug deep inside searching for the trigger that led to such outpouring of emotion. i knew i was risking my heart from feeling that agonizing pain of longing that for sometime i have mastered to inflict on myself. one that literally drove me, at countless times, to the point where my body seemed ready to throw up. in the past, whenever i let myself wallow and read those heart felt, misguided declaration of itense love and dedication to wait, i find myself in tears. but this time it was different.

i feel older now. looking back i feel wiser. yes, i have gained perspective through the years that i lay curled in the night my pillow wet in tears. but at the same time i cant deny an overpowering force that makes me uneasy. i can feel it as it course through my veins and into my very being. as i wrote a few blogs back i feel like im runnig out or time. i feel a force pushing me forward propelling me into something i am not yet ready to face. i should be excited. im am after all venturing out to new horizons. but i am, yeah i am, scared!