My Kikis... My Treasure

I saw you guys earlier. I cant tell you enough how much I miss you. If only I can hug you and keep you in my arms forever - if only I can protect you. I would surely feel better. But I cant. One thing that I can do though is to be here for you. We may be divided by space and distance from each other but I will always be a text away. We have spent time together and that I will forever treasure. Kikis I will always be here for you. (crying...)

I dont know why I am crying. I dont know why I feel sad. But Im fighting sadness. I am holding on to the times we spent together. It makes me smile. They mean a lot to me. I miss you two...

Unfinished

Ceiling. Floor. Shoes, (oh my geez... I have cute chucks, four pairs to be exact.) Stare... stare... staring at nothing. For the past 8 hours, staring has been the thing that I found myself doing. I have been staring at my screen dumbfounded. I have nothing to write! I cant find an interesting thing to write about. Of course, I am not forced to write anything. But since I am not doing anything except sleep and eat and watch tv (dammit, I ate four times through the night - define babuy!) I make it a point that I write something before the cycle starts again. (gets his stash of ballerina ready)

All of that changed when I came across someone at MIRC. An interesting fellow. I was amazed at his story. Here I was worrying what to do with my time. Time that I have so much of since I resigned my post from my brain deteriorating job listening to calls. (hihi, No offence to those still working in the call center industry.) I was awakened. Humbled. Yeah, that is the right word. My concern is petty compared to his.

He was a victim of a car accident where he was bedridden for months. Imagine not being able to go out of the house let alone out of bed. Thanks to the car driver who I refuse to call, hmmmm, arrrrgggghhh, ahhhhh, stupid, (opps there it goes) he cant do anything. But that didnt stop him. He kept himself busy by reading and painting. The amazing part of it was he painted using his mounth - kidding. gotcha there!!!Aint this guy awesome? Instead of moping and whining, he made use of the time he had and made it productive - which im doing by blogging, hihihihih.

I was challenged. Still am. He had the courage to take the situation he had and made something beautiful out of it. The pictures you see are all done by him. Waiting is really not bad if you use it for something creative. I listened to mass two sundays ago (that was weird, me listening, joke) and what the minister said connected with my state right now and the experience my friend shared with me. Waiting takes time. what you do with that time is what counts. I will use my time to prepare. Ill equip myself. I will read and study things that I wasnt able to before. Resigning isnt really that bad. Now more than anything else I see it as transtion for endless possibilities. Waiting may be long but it wont be as long if im preparing myself. Im not yet finished.

Thank you raffy for inspiring me.
***check out his site, click here , and his blogs

"parteEbOi Engaged"

I was surpised and almost dumbfounded at how people can be so disciminative. I was chatting earlier and people were ganging up on me because of my nick, parteEbOi. They had a lot of questions. And lots of sermon that followed.

I cant believe myself. They were indeed preaching on me and trying to make me conform with their norms, which are not societal norms, and even if they were are still questionable. I engaged them in a healthy conversation. We exchanged points of view and rationales, why things are the way they they are. It came to a point that they were ridiculing and almost stepping down on me (oh gawd, i cant believe it was happening) because I choose to be what I am - parteEbOi

I got a little ticked off. They were obviously tripping and they want me to change and see things the way they do. That will never happen. I dont like getting bullied into a frame of thought. I dont respect those who cant accept the fact that opinions vary. So I said, "I dont want to be an instrument of opression, I refuse to be the person to ridicule and subject others to pian and suffering." I asked them, my detractors, What good does it do them to become the very person they loathe, granted that they are also oppressed (and yes they are) by the society that forces us to change, the stereotypical thinkers, the old fashioned saints and facist, that marginalizes the different, the bold - my kind. (GLMs, PLUs, and partee peeps)

I hate to point the fact that they have become what they so hate. Their bickering and interogation caused someone discomfort. They unknowingly subject me to a category that disables me to become more than what the definition of my status. Duh! Nah-uh. I wont let them. If they opted to be the very thing that they hate I wont hold them againts their will. I choose not. I wont be the very thing that I hate. I will be loving and understanding. I am after all, parteEbOi

Dancing...

5:05 AM 6/28/2005
Me at Club Government during PRIDE dancing my frustrations away. Pictures were courtesy of Raul Wong Roa (click on to see more of his works. c",) plugging!)

Emerging From K-Hole

2:06 AM 6/27/2005

I took two thick lines. Was my first. I told myself, if I took thick lines I would be numb before the drip. Yippey! I might have found a way to finally enjoy it. Minda at its best. I never liked the feeling. The taste. The hospital like taste, not that I have tasted one. Its like you swallowed lysol or a disinfectant. So I sat down next to the electric fan and waited. I also took two altoids lemon sour in preparation for the "ewww" drip.

Before I knew it I was starting to feel lite, free. Tried to reach for "Zesto's Dalandan soda" but I failed. Cant get a good grip. I had a smirk on my face as I felt like I was pixelating and pieces of me were blown away like that you see when vampires die in movies. I was scattered in the air. All of a sudden my body was vaporized and I can feel myself floating in the air, flowing, like a gush of water, I can feel myself rise.

Suddenly, I was part of this twisted world were all I can see are small boxelike figures of colors. When i try to move, I feel the colors gliding and brushing my skin. Yet there is none. There is some therapeutic feeling but at same time scary. I feel myself dispersing floating away as if I dont have a body anymore. At this point, I had to keep reminding myself that its all "amats." I kept telling myself "it will be over soon... relax... enjoy."

As it continued, the colors, the boxes, the pixellated image of me scattered through the air of flying colors. I felt myself sink and float like I was in some kind of a rolling sand hour glass. One time your at the surface and the next your below and as it does the colors around me change from to blue, red and black. I hear music or something that resembles clanging and baning on my ear. I tried fighting it but its no use. I let it take me, lead me, blow me away while I tell myself this is just "amats," - I smile, smirk.

After going on and on through the shower of colors, I started to notice figures forming, figures of my friends who may, or may not, have at that time, or probabaly still having the same experience that I had. I tried to check if my girl friend was ok. How about the others? They were. I let the trip lead me on. After sometime I asked myself, "Am I an addict," Am I really doing this," "Is there any other way to live?" As I asked those questions "trainspotting" scenes kept flashing on my head. I still cant manage. I let it blow me further. I now asked myself, "am I like them," refering to ewan and the others in the movie. The answer was yes I am.

The questions kept coming. Mentally Drowning. But just like the hits I cant fight it. I tried to find answers though. It kept coming. Like the wind that blew my body into the air dispursed and scattered, my thoughts were with a doubt incoherent. I tried to make sense of it all but I cant. Weak. I tried to hold on to something that I shouldnt. Broken. I tried to focus on something familiar, something I had, something I was hoping for but the oicture was blurred was different. Disappointed. I tried. I failed. But I knew it was okay. Life is.

After several hours I was feeling better. Tired but better. I slept. Then, It was a new day. Life went on. I emerged from my k-hole a new man.

6:08 AM 6/27/2005
(happned last: June 17)

AFTER PRIDE

8:19 AM 6/26/2005

Pride was amazing. A lot of people came (to government... I bet there were thousands at malate) to celebrate. Its our day. It was my day.

But amidst the fun and frenzy, I again relaized one thing. I am still single. Its my second pride without someone. I didnt bother hook up with anyone because I was there to celebrate with my friends - the people that will always count. Lovers come and go, friends stick till end (granted that walang matmatan, charoz.) I love my friends and I am happy to have spent the night with them.



I cant help but think though. Will there be someone that one can be with, granted that there are a lot of issues at hand such as loyalty and fidelity? I remembered one piece of realization that I had a couple of weeks back. I wrote:

Single and Satisfied
I think I have to embrace the fact that guys-like-me (GLMs) will always be single, with brief intervals of psuedo-relationships, to satisfy one's need for misrepresented stability, mimicking stereotypical normalcy, but eventually fade away when the insatiable and inevitable thirst for something, someone new or younger claw its way out, recklessly and unintelligently without care or decency.

Its insanely twisted yet some are contently resigned to it. Its a sick cycle of unending craving for lust and self validation. I refuse to ride that self gratifying carousel that once was so beautiful, enticing, and entertaining. I will no longer conform. Until I find that kindred spirit that will save me, Ill be as an island. Isolated. Far from all the raucous of this carnal cycle, I will wait. If I am destined to be alone, Let it be.

OUT... LOUD... PROUD...

HAPPY PRIDE

8:01 AM 6/24/2005

Breakfast is served... eat eat eat... AMPALAYA and TILAPIA

Been meaning to read this book. Why cant I? hmmm... Ill read it this week after pride...

The 8th Habit...

Chucks Fascination

3:03 AM 6/24/2005

Lately I find myself fond of Chuck Taylors. I have 5 pairs as of the moment. I have Red, Pink, Purple, Yellow, and Orange. I dont know why, but there is just something about these little shoes that interests me.

I remenber when I was a kid, my dad bought me a pair and I, for some weird reasons hated it very much. Maybe its the awkward feeling on the soles and the skinny look but I made sure to show the disgust on my face when im forced to wear it. I think its because the shoes are classic compared to the mighty kid stuff out there when I was younger. I though It was not hip. Oh, if only I can turn back time.

I dont remember when I started developing this fascination but I know one reason why I liked it is because its less expensive. Wearing Chucks gives you the licence to be some what dirty yet hip and fashionable. An ordinary shirt (ukay shirt) and a pair of heavily tattered jeans together with your super dirty (the only way to wear it) Chucks and you look cool. Compared to clean shoes, which always end up dirty, I would go for chucks because no matter how dirty it is, it still looks funky.

Oh now I know, I started developing a fascination when I saw Johann from MTV Philippines wearing a black and pink ensemble with his pink Chucks. After that show, me and my ex started hunting for pink Chucks. We looked every where but found none. Now we both own a pair, funny.

I just spent almost two hours of my time compiling and posting pictures of different Chuck Taylors on my picture journal. I am planning to collect them. My ex, knows someone who is selling them for 500 pesos, sweet deal. I might buy three if I have the money over the weekend. Im so excited.

10:28 AM 6/23/2005

Love a word so used and profoundly misused. How do we define love, when its always misconstrued to be something more than the actual word sometimes even meaning the exact opposite. Its so misused that I often wonder, even doubt its true meaning


the reason why i think like this... Watch this... CLOSER!

Sick Cycle

10:19 AM 6/23/2005

In life, we get dragged into situations and scenarios that most of the time are bigger than ourselvs. Wen confronted by such unexpected chance, we force ourselves to rise to the occasion and sustain the unprecedentd, thrill of the moment, ego boosting, andrenaline pumping encouter.

I wonder why we would take that moment and make something out of it. Love. Hate. Jealousy. Pride. Moments that lead/form a lifestyle. There is always something after that distinct moment. A piece of time preserve by the feelings and emotions of the people involve. We live with it, try to conquer it, survive - move on.

There is always a choice though. However indistinct or sublime, There is a point wer one chooses. The point of hurting oneself or others. Bt of course its easier to hurt others than ourselves. So we unrestrain ourselves and blame the moment for everything. Thus the cycle begins.

Straining To Remember

9:27 AM 6/23/2005

I dont know why I chose to like you (even almost love you.) Although love is too strong a word for now. I was starting to have this mental picture of you and me together. Sleeping and waking in each other's arms. I was starting to let myself get use to how you smell, how you walk, how u talk. I dont know why knowing you have issues. But I guess I sort of understand coz have issues myself.

What bothers me is me. Why am I so ready to jump into something bigger than I am - plunge into something I know for a fact I cant hold on to. A relationship, Its an illussion. I guess at the end, we found company in each other. We found, at a moment, something we both share, something that was both comfortable and convinient for us. But you have your oen set of wants and needs, like anyone. I have mine. Something held us together, that I want to know. Remember. For that is the thing that was lost.

From Friends... ...To Friends

6:12 AM 6/23/2005

I opted to stay up the entire night. I toyed with my blogs, tried editting some and putting links on some. I was just about to write that I miss reading enties from a friend when I realized he wrote something new. Cool. I was afaid that due to recent turn of events, he is hesitating to write.

I met a new friend and added links to his page. We talked for hours and found interesting stuff about each other. Read some blogs and all I can say is I feel you. Nothing fancy especially when most of the blogs I came across talks strongly of moving on with life, hoping not, but forced to.

Blogging tells the reader a little something of ourselves that we usually dont allow to get out in person. Its a portal to some of our most kept feelings. Letters lends its voice to our deepest and most personal feelings. This is one reason why I learned to favor one friend. A friend that I learned to get along with more than a friend should.

For a time, we both share this interest. We both see each other as something more than friends. But like pages in a diary, there are things that you learn along the way, pages that might shock you and scare you but eventually lead you to understand. I do understand and I hold no grudge in the state I am in right now. I have questions though, questions that I know shouldnt be answered, questions better left unuttered, unmentioned, unanswered. I think sometimes we need to be brave. Brave enough to let go rather than ask why things turn out the way they do.

Yeah, Im letting things go. I hope though, that what I was willing to give and probably have, would impact this very special person's life. I am flattered that my feelings were taken into consideration. I just cant help but wonder if things were really about me (there I go again with dead questions.) Ah... nevermind... For me or not for me I dont care. We may be hearing different tunes right now but maybe in the future this leads to something better. For now, Lets be friends.

7:41 PM 6/22/2005

Another day gone to waste. I slept around 4am and i woke up 6pm. Damn, I could have done a lot of things but I slept through the day. GOOD JOB gus!

Its raining again, hmmmm. Thank God for the cooling power of the rain. The relaxing pitter patter of the rain drops as they fall to the roof. AH! this is life. I dont have money but I am at a certain level happy.

My favorite ex sent me an sms message asking if my heels hurt when im wearing my chucks. I said they dont not unless the chucks are new. He has a friend at Penshoppe and he can get chucks for just 500 - good deal. I wanna buy new pairs. Where will I get the money, I dunno. Who cares anyway.

Oppsss! I forgot to close my credit card and ask for the final bill. Also forgot to call PECCI to ask for my bill for the coop. Wah! Im so useless today.

Its still raining and I cant help but feel a little bit recharged. Its so soothing.

Mariah's "Petals" is playing right now. Hmmmmm... Wonder what would be the next thought that will come flying to my mind?

Mark came in for a little interaction. He asked me where is my motorola phone. I said its not working. He asked where my 3210 is and then he remembered that its not an open line.

Im listening to POD's satellite now. Woah! I cant do this until CSI later!? Thats like two more hours. Temptingt though! Goodness Im a feast for mosquitoes... arrrggghhh. Lemme get my baygon! Psssssst... pssstttt... Now lets see if they still bite!

MIRC... sex sex sex... Why dont I kick em all... Ban em all???

Dada is stuck at the office. Bayani is coding and she has no where else to go. I told her she can sleep over but her shift starts at around 11. I think she will just stay at the office.

Rain rain rain... Still raining... Im enjoying this. Very therapuetic (did i spell that correctly???)

I wonder how my someone is doing right now? Sleeping I suppose. Ah...

MIRC...

Have to spend time with my bro... bonding...

1:54 AM 6/22/2005

Earlier... Tuesday morning... DVD another. Jayce, Alex, Dada and me watching "Bring It On, for the nth time.

---------------------------------------------------------------
4:54 AM 6/22/2005

I saw the movie "CLOSER" last night. I actually saw it twice. I can't help but identify with Clive Owen. His passion and stamina for loving is admirable. I wonder though if I will end up happy as he was.

I just dont want to end up jaded. I dont want the next person that will come along in my life to suffer for residual anger and angst from the previous. I want to be able to learn from my previous relationships, where I went wrong, what did I do or not do although most of the time its not me - I think. But like what Dada told me earlier, we encounter the same obstacle in life until we find a way to overcome it. I told her that I have three different poems, written in different times of my life, with the same theme - martyrdom. I am still pondering on that. As of the moment I still think its worth to give the relationship your all before letting go. This way I would not regret it when I am old and grey. That way I can tell myself, "I did my best" (this feeling was revived by SERENDIPITY, which we also happen to watch)

---------------------------------------------------------------

the list of movies we saw, Peter Pan, Sinbad, Dracula, Serendipity, Bring It On, Matrix Revolution, Closer, the new Ashton Kutcher film... ahhh what else?



The Sceptic
3:14 AM 6/22/2005
(written last night, after watching CLOSER)

Most of us live our lives afraid of making that one brave move, loving - commiting. We think we dont want to hurt others, are we really or its the other way around? But we believe this surreal gesture, holding on to it like a mantra, a creed. But people get hurt either way. No one can deny anyone pain. Its your call if you want to plunge and risk all. Its your choice and yours alone.

We are all innately born to hurt others. Its our nature starting from the day we were born. Even the union of our parents caused someone pain. Our lives revolve and is fueled by pain. In truth, we learn from it. "It lets us know we are alive." (got this from the movie G.I. Jane) I did not know the profound meaninig of that line, until I got to ponder on love and the blended emotions it brings. Love that matures through pain and suffering.

What are we really afraid of? In reality, are we really afraid of hurting others or are we afraid of hurting ourselves in the process. The truth is most of the time, we are afraid of getting hurt at the end of the line. Self preservation. We devoid ourselves of love because we want to save ourselves from the inevitable pain that comes along with it.



Bram Stoker's Dracula...

I havent been home for almost two days. I left to join Dada at Jayce's apt early morning monday, around 6am. We spent most of the day watching DVDs and eating. There is something about that place that is relaxing. I dont disqualify that at times its hot but there is this calming effect that draws me to stay. (maybe its the water at the floodway, hehehe)

I guess the fact that my fallen someone used to stay there makes it special. Yeah, I think it has ended. The sweet engagement, the special moments, the sweet nothings, its all over now. I have to admit it, but it is. I tried my best to keep it up. But like the saying goes, it takes two to tango. A few weeks ago I found myself dancing alone to the tune we ones shared. I was straining my ear, wondering is I would hear footsteps after mine, there were none. Ultimately I had to ask questions. I got none, well I got some, full of sense but devoid of feelings.

I like to stay there because somehow, it still feels more or less the same, except for the sweet stuff. I am happy though that the level of interaction hasnt faded - one thing that is very different from my previous engagements. There is an awkward silence though, as if we are avoiding the topic, regarding where should we go from there.


altoids and serotain

Another Monday Morning

8:42 AM 6/20/2005

The start of the week...
Lounging...
Staring at my pc...
BORED!

I have to do something.
Well, so far I have managed to put hyperlinks on my blogs;
wahhh! hurrah for me.
still bored!

Lazer lights at GOVERNMENT taken by Raul Wong Roa

My Creed: Ode to the Ones I, I Have, Will, and Forever Love.

7:09 PM 6/19/2005

When I die, I want to be rememberd as someone who loved.
Love unrelentlessly... unselfishly...
Genuine as this disfunctional society can offer,
As passionately as one can ever dreamed of,
As odd as possible and as true as anyone can hope for.

I want you to feel loved because I have loved you.
I may hurt and/or in hurting might sometime wish,
I did not, but in my heart of hearts I know that all is well - will be.
It is not and will not be the one who have or will hurt me,
But the mold that you and I grew accustomed to think as normal.

I know and fully understand the pain that you have gone through.
I know that you have no intentions of hurting me,
But was able to do so, in your search for meaning - the elusive enigma of life.
I dont blame you and will never because I have hurt people too.
I have made decisions that have caused others suffering and pain - God bless them.

I hold no grudge to your decision to leave or move on,
Because that is where you will be free, unlimited, unhibited, living.
I refuse to be an instrument of pain that might or will imprison you.
I want you to be free and hopefully in freedom, a life changing state,
Finally see what you have been looking, searching for - love

Love is what we are all searching for.
Love that is not selfish and love that is not controlling.
For that I give you my love, hoping it leads you to share it too someday.
I believe that love is and will never be lost; its an energy that is not destroyed;
rather it is passed on from one person to the other completely altering,
changing, and transforming the recipient's life forever.
When I die, I want to be rememberd as someone who shared.

(taken and editted from my cellphone journal: 15/08/04)

Why We Fall???

10:20 PM 6/17/2005

Saw The movie "Batman Begins" with my Brother and Cousin earlier. Initially I asked two other person to join me and my brother but like a premonition I knew that they would decline. I dont mind. I just want to let them know that I want to see the movie with them - I guess.

I won't write a movie review just yet, not that i intend to. I want absorb the concepts and abstracts that the movie presented deeper, which usually happens after I saw the movie too many times that some lines start to sink in and I sort of memorize them, thats when I get inspired to draw a parallel to my life and write. This is how I internalize a movie. Its my way of drawing strenght and perspective out of a motion picture.

I must say that there are lines that left me blown away, in tears, and enlightened. There are scences that I related to. The scene that is still now in my head is the time when young Bruce Wayne was talking with his dad. This is when his dad said (may not be verbatim) "the reason we fall is so that we can stand up and learn."

I have fallen so many times. I have been hurt and wallowed in my sorrow but one thing is true. We learn to pick up the pieces and stand. I learned to see beyond my current status. I learned.

The Thing I Miss The Most

4:14 PM 6/17/2005

The thing that i miss the most, is the warmth of your kiss.
the look in your eyes, the intensity and desire.
I think of the way we use to be, holding each other tight.
eager and anticipating for the sweet touching of our lips.

I wonder if things will be like the way it was, the kiss that was.
For those times we were together, we were into each other.
We caress and held to each other like tomorrow will not come.
It did as it should, but we held on, we kept on. I kept on as always.


Taken from a pic at GOVERNMENT

Dying Inside.

6:01 AM 6/17/2005

The other night a friend died. He was badly hurt from a car accident the week before leaving him fighting for his life with a 10% chance of survival. Define Odds? He may not be a very close friend, but as I read the sms message about his passing, I felt sincere sadness.

I got the message while I was trippin and dancing the night away at "Government," a gay friendly clubbing place in makati. For a second, I regret not knowing this friend very much. I regret not having spent more time with him as I can. I was falling in a bottomless pit of regret. Then I realized I was partee-ing that night. As I snapped out of it, I asked myself "will I regret the decision I made that morning?"

Last night as I was tossing and turning on my bed I asked myself a nagging question that almost left me sleepless. Were we deciding to part ways because of "our nature" or because the fire of attraction has long been extinguised(...on his end.) At three in the morning friends beckoned me - calling me for another encounter with minda. -hehehe. They wanna pick me up and head on to the world of k-hole and journey. I wanna go but I have to answer my question. I dont want that to be my trip for the day. I declined and decided to ponder on an answer.

Its a given. Men are innately incapable of satisfaction. I can deal with that, or so I think, but at this point I am trying very hard to understand that concept and accept that. Knowing the presence of that "unsatiable desire" is the key to acceptance and who knows probably the solution I am looking for. I am going out of my way to find a remedy for my kind. I wonder if there are other brave souls out there? I wonder if others would go this far to evaluate and find reason not to be alone? I wonder if many are contented thinking non commital is the way.

I have so many questions. Questions that lead to series of questions. I have always been like this. Can you blame me? Can you blame someone trying to find a better way to live life? I guess part of me is dying. I am starting to lose hope in ever reconciling my nature with what I want without turning the other way.

...then there is ...the guy who shares my name.

The End... Is It Really?

4:07 PM 6/15/2005

I have made a decision to face my fear. After this entry, I will go and meet my special someone - soon to be a special friend. There are things that needs to be settled. For me, It is already sealed.

So I ask myself why bother go? Although, I am still trying to figure out a good reason why I shouldnt - so I will go. The enlightening and scary conversation with my dad last night made me think of a lot of things, things that I was thinking about while I was in the states a month ago. Funny how I lost track of my goals and plans simply because I am back to my silly old self again. In about a month's time, I have managed to crawl back from the very pit hole that I was trying to run away from - mediocrity.

I will go because I want to put my life in perspective. I will go because both out lives needs direction. I am doing this for both of us. But most of all I am doing this for ME.

Decision Made

12:54 PM 6/15/2005

Last night my dad talked to me and surprisingly we agreed on one thing. I need a change of lifestyle. I did not really verbalized it but I knew deep down if I want direction in my life i have to make a drastic change.

Change, the only thing that is constant. Its scary and I am shaking until now thinking about it. But I cannot help but accept the fact that its inevitable and it does makes sense. I am now, again, in the brink of a "psuedo-relationship" failure. Of course, I have seen it coming but there was just a piece of me that was hopeful. Hope that there is some form of cosmic reason, idealistic, rational explanation why me and this particular someone should be together. But the odds are against my tiny illusion.

Its almost sweet. If only things were not as complicated as it is. Or, is it really? I am trying to dispell the delusion that things are complicated. Because for this particular engagement, it is not. Everything is laid out and almost black and white. Thinking about it, I am a fool to even have that tiny bit of hope. But its my nature to hope against nature. Its how I am. It is how i survived for so long. Eventhough the odds are so big i am holding on to one tiny bit of hope to pull me through. Of course now, after gaining wisdom from past pain and sorrow, I can say that letting go is the best. Change is good. That is my mantra. I dont know how will I react when the time comes for me and this person to talk things out, but I am optimistic that things will be ok. Decisions have to be made. I think I have.

Twins

11:45 PM 6/14/2005

Today I have a twin again. Every year from June 14 to August 4, right before the stroke of midnight i have a twin brother. He is my little brother. Happy Birthday Markee.


My new pair of chucks... (actually me and my twin brother's new pairs...)
Posted by Hello

Drama Of Love

1:51 AM 6/14/2005

I was watching "Shakespear In Love" with my brother earlier. Silently I realized tears rolling down my cheeks. Its When Juliet, played by Gwyneth, said something about true love that it dawned on me that I am relating her. I vaguely remember the exact words but i goes something "like true love is so strong that it does not always end in a happili ever after thing."

I immediately asked myself, Is that the reason why I am always hurting? Is it because i am capable to love and love almost unconditionally? I am not asking much. I just want someone to hold at night. Someone who see me and look at me with the same intensity as i do.

Yeah, I dont expect much, contradictory to what most partners would. I tend to accept what the other is capable of, although I do have personal qualification for attraction, which maybe the culprit why that someone is still unknown. My point though is I tend to understand the other too much that it almost always leads to an unfavorable ending.

Ah! The journey of finding love is so complicated. When you find it, you can hold on to it as long as you can because it always find an ending. There is always something that comes along. If not death, wether natural or not, its an inevitable pain of sooner or later facing the fact that people fall out of love if not out grow it. Cheers to Romeo and Juliet they may have died but the fire of their love burns brighter. The tragedy and drama of love encapsulated in our flawed humanity.

end: 2:18 AM 6/14/2005

Hoping For A Meaning...

8:51 PM 6/13/2005

Twas around 4pm when I woke up. My back aches from over sleep and my skin feels awefully sticky, probably from sweat and who knows what(hehehehe). I had my fill of mummys the night before from National Geographic Special on Pharoahs Week. I dont know why, but there is something mysteriously enticing seing the great figures and rulers of the ancient world.

Its was a relief, finally being able to sleep on my bed. For the past two nights I was out, hanging out with friends and dancing the night away. I dont know why but for some odd reason i felt like i had to. I was even tempted to go out last night after watching a movie with my brother. I restrained myself. I was victorious, i thought, but as i plunge into dreamland i had a realization - I dont want to be alone.

For the past week, I have been trying to get answers to some questions lingering at the back of my (SILLY, HARD, STUBBORN) head. Like the antropologist working on a mummys, I want to know if there is a reason why things should stay as it is. One episode last night is about TUT, the boy king. Antropologists, historians, and doctors dispelled a lot of theories about the life and death of the young pharoah by closely examining his reamins. They have re-written history by taking some risk. I have doubts if I would be as happy as they were. As far as i can see, with the information I have, I am bound to be a failure. Another journey ending in pain. Maybe somethings are not meant to be asked, somethings are left unanswered.

_________________________
OMG, my parents are here
10:50 PM 6/13/2005

Suddenly, Im derailed from my train of though. They surprised me and my brother. It is his 25th birthday. Today were practically twins. Both 25. Both happy to see our parents.Around 25 years ago I was born and then ten months after my bro was born. It seldom happens but i guess my parents were excited to get back in the sack. hahaha.

Rain On Me

Its raining now and all i can think of is the time when I find my special someone. The time when i would be listening to the sound of the rain falling in the arms of my special someone, cuddling, falling in and out of sleep while our bodies lay side by side. The someone that will share with me moments like this - moments that seems magical.

I often wonder when will that time come. Me and my someone, tucked in bed together. probabaly whispering sweet nothings in each other's ear, holding earch other like there wouldnt be a tomorrow. Most of the times I don't. But the rain brings hope as it nourishes the ground from which we get our sustainance. It encourages imagination that on a regular day would drive a normal person insane - well for me it does. I dont like to imagine things that are far from happening. It does, but only on fairy tales if not on movies we see that most of the time blinds us from the reality of life. The sick truth that men like me are destined to be dreaming, longing, waiting, tired, angry, jaded yet hoping.

It is funny how nature affects one's emotion. I will not generalize. I will not include the rest of those probably sleeping right now. I will only talk about myself. (yadah... yadah... yadah...)

Am I conditioned? I guess. I may have seen too many chick flicks, many feel good movies that always paint life as something bright and sunny even when you cant see anything but the faint reflection of what you real life is. It is almost as if you dont live a normal life. Movies has that power. Like the rain, it creates a parallel universe where you think you are safe and happy but the next thing you know your in deep shit. Your dreams flooded, drifting away, carried by the rushing waters of reality. Life is not as picturesque as it may seem. Yeah it is not. In real life, you suffer from pain and sorrow. You are almost always alone, except from times your saved by your friends, oh I love my friends.

But now i choose to dream. Imagine. Savour the seduction that the rain brings. There might be lonely folks out there, wet, drenched, maybe dry yet still alone, but on my side of the universe I'll dream. I will hope. I will. There is nothing wrong with it. Is there? Because tomorrow I will wake up. Tomorrow, I will live again. Not like tonight, I will find myself again struggling to survive my solitary life. But like the plants that are nourished by the rain, I will let this night's magic, dreaming, hoping, seduction drown me. There is noting wrong with that, Is there? So, let the rain fall on me.

The Stage Is Set

I often romanticized how I want to live my life. I often think of how things will turn out and in so doing react before things even start to unfold. Most of the time I ponder on things that may and may have been if only i chose to do otherwise thus i end up confusing not just the people around me but also myself.

Why i am writing? Maybe because writing what i think would help me realize things. See things in a different light. Learn to take things as it is. It maybe dark, or maybe sunny and bright, nonetheless I am hopeful that this will chronicle how and why I think the way i do, how and why i respond to things, how and why I punish myself. If im lucky, I would be able to pour my heart and soul in this little window I am providing the world to my twisted life.

Welcome Joshua to your twisted sanity. The curtain opens and the stage is set.