Dying Inside.

6:01 AM 6/17/2005

The other night a friend died. He was badly hurt from a car accident the week before leaving him fighting for his life with a 10% chance of survival. Define Odds? He may not be a very close friend, but as I read the sms message about his passing, I felt sincere sadness.

I got the message while I was trippin and dancing the night away at "Government," a gay friendly clubbing place in makati. For a second, I regret not knowing this friend very much. I regret not having spent more time with him as I can. I was falling in a bottomless pit of regret. Then I realized I was partee-ing that night. As I snapped out of it, I asked myself "will I regret the decision I made that morning?"

Last night as I was tossing and turning on my bed I asked myself a nagging question that almost left me sleepless. Were we deciding to part ways because of "our nature" or because the fire of attraction has long been extinguised(...on his end.) At three in the morning friends beckoned me - calling me for another encounter with minda. -hehehe. They wanna pick me up and head on to the world of k-hole and journey. I wanna go but I have to answer my question. I dont want that to be my trip for the day. I declined and decided to ponder on an answer.

Its a given. Men are innately incapable of satisfaction. I can deal with that, or so I think, but at this point I am trying very hard to understand that concept and accept that. Knowing the presence of that "unsatiable desire" is the key to acceptance and who knows probably the solution I am looking for. I am going out of my way to find a remedy for my kind. I wonder if there are other brave souls out there? I wonder if others would go this far to evaluate and find reason not to be alone? I wonder if many are contented thinking non commital is the way.

I have so many questions. Questions that lead to series of questions. I have always been like this. Can you blame me? Can you blame someone trying to find a better way to live life? I guess part of me is dying. I am starting to lose hope in ever reconciling my nature with what I want without turning the other way.

...then there is ...the guy who shares my name.