Lost Need

Am I growing up? Maybe. I have stayed home, amazingly, for two gimik nights. And these I cant believe, I am planning to sleep saturday night off. I dont have the seemingly insatiable drive to go out. I simply dont have the "giyang factor."

I dont know what has happened to me but I find myself at peace with the idea of not going out. Alas, If my dad hears about this he will surely be without a doubt overjoyed. He might be praying for this, whatever it is that has held my passion. Has it changed? Is it changing? Have I lost the youthful spirit in me, the need to go out and dance the night away like there is no tomorrow. Is the fire truly gone?

It used to be ordinary for me to go out. Maybe it became too ordinary that it lost its zest. An event that was a routine. A cycle that needs to go on and on without a reason. A lost quest. Why do I really go out. I used to think its because of friends. It was, at least for me. Lately I noticed going out was not about the company anymore. Well not the company that I thought it was for. A rude awakening for me. It has been, as I was fearing all along, for the "amats." I hope I am wrong but the last few weeks has been an undeniable proof. I am afraid to see the truth. Because even now as I contemplate and think how my gimik nights have gone, for the most part of it included amats.

Has the group gone bigger that I as an individual often times feel left out or is it the fact that the circle has expanded that its almost impossible to know who your really with? Then again maybe its just me? Out growing the habit and need to go out sounds appealing. Its comforting because I feel whole. I feel complete. But Am I? A part of me feels that I am. Another part seeks the need, the need to be with friends. Where are they? Who are they really?