The holidays in el nido. super fun especially if your with you loved ones. the place is special and full of potential but at the rate of irresponsibility and crudeness i wont be amazed that its natural beauty and lure would soon be a thing of the past. only humans can do such devastation. there i go again with my ranting. i cant hide or even mask my frustration. damn!
The place where staying at now, thank God were heading back home, is perfect. it has the nicest ambiance not to mention a really warm touch - free internet and credit card. talk about 21st century must haves. hahahaha
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
self talk
I've been staring at my ceiling for several minutes trying to lock into a thought that would explain what I'm going through right now. From my vantage point it seems a lot and for sure I am close to bragging about it if not for the fact that as much as I am busy or that I have tons of thing to do, I have again started on a seemingly unavoidable cycle of oversleeping - pathetic
I have discovered two years ago that I am a escapist. After my discovery I indulged myself in what would have been a marathon on bed. I thought at least I was not popping, sniffing, and gulping substance that can and have endangered my health...as if oversleeping was less of an evil. I knew I have to face this new found demon. Although I was far from the clawing reach of my past I am again far from where I should be.
Lately I have added on my repertoire watching episodes of Dr House and (again) Smallville. Thanks to the wonders of this age (piracy) I have managed to keep myself amused. Funny thing is the word, operative word: amused. See, the word muse means to be inspired, be absorbed in thought. Amused on the other hand means to be entertained. And so I was. Entertained. And admittedly I have pondered on things less and less. hurrah for those who record nice series through DirectTV.
Now, lets go back on the fact that I have tons of things to do. Yes I have and I am pressured about it. Sometimes I feel I cannot go on with the weight on my shoulder. Kinda feels like I need to do it otherwise I fail - my Dad and my Mom. See, I have made this decision that I wanna spend time with my folks and make them happy. I know they are not asking much. But the work set before them is so big and i mean gigantic big that I am just dumbfounded staring at it. thus the over sleeping.
Maybe me writing again is something. To my credit I have done really good. Sometimes I like to down play it but I'd be a hypocrite and a total loser if I have not done anything really ok (fine, I'm trying to be modest here.) I just feel like I can do more, give more. Am I asking too much from myself, nah-uh! I wouldn't be oversleeping if I am dried out of ideas. I am holding back and I can't face the fact that I am thats why I am having an affair with my pillows. (btw, they are so cuddly)
Josh you need to step up and be a man. face it. and nail it! dang. there I said it.
I have discovered two years ago that I am a escapist. After my discovery I indulged myself in what would have been a marathon on bed. I thought at least I was not popping, sniffing, and gulping substance that can and have endangered my health...as if oversleeping was less of an evil. I knew I have to face this new found demon. Although I was far from the clawing reach of my past I am again far from where I should be.
Lately I have added on my repertoire watching episodes of Dr House and (again) Smallville. Thanks to the wonders of this age (piracy) I have managed to keep myself amused. Funny thing is the word, operative word: amused. See, the word muse means to be inspired, be absorbed in thought. Amused on the other hand means to be entertained. And so I was. Entertained. And admittedly I have pondered on things less and less. hurrah for those who record nice series through DirectTV.
Now, lets go back on the fact that I have tons of things to do. Yes I have and I am pressured about it. Sometimes I feel I cannot go on with the weight on my shoulder. Kinda feels like I need to do it otherwise I fail - my Dad and my Mom. See, I have made this decision that I wanna spend time with my folks and make them happy. I know they are not asking much. But the work set before them is so big and i mean gigantic big that I am just dumbfounded staring at it. thus the over sleeping.
Maybe me writing again is something. To my credit I have done really good. Sometimes I like to down play it but I'd be a hypocrite and a total loser if I have not done anything really ok (fine, I'm trying to be modest here.) I just feel like I can do more, give more. Am I asking too much from myself, nah-uh! I wouldn't be oversleeping if I am dried out of ideas. I am holding back and I can't face the fact that I am thats why I am having an affair with my pillows. (btw, they are so cuddly)
Josh you need to step up and be a man. face it. and nail it! dang. there I said it.
Friday, December 08, 2006
another year
A few more less significant nights and its already Christmas. There are tons to be happy and grateful about, dont get me wrong, but the sad truth is things arent as coloful as they used to. The air is not as sweet. The people arent as cheerful. and the worse is i have to make things happen.
its been months since i was last able to rant. its my favorite thing to do. surprisingly, i ran out of thing to rant about thus the silence. maybe the thing thats really bugging me now is that i gained pounds and inches round my waist and i am not as bothered as i used to be. maybe its really age. and i should welcome it with open arms. wait, i have.
oh well, i am happy nonetheless because im doing what i want and i get to spend time with my mom and dad.
its been months since i was last able to rant. its my favorite thing to do. surprisingly, i ran out of thing to rant about thus the silence. maybe the thing thats really bugging me now is that i gained pounds and inches round my waist and i am not as bothered as i used to be. maybe its really age. and i should welcome it with open arms. wait, i have.
oh well, i am happy nonetheless because im doing what i want and i get to spend time with my mom and dad.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Anxiety Attack
I am having it again. I can feel it creeping in slowly and surely. It's a rush that I am not anticipating for. and come to think about it, it's something that I if only I could, I wouldn't want to feel ever again. Oh! crazy anxiety attacks, why do you come when I least expect you?
I arrived thursday. Yey! I was back in the megametro. As usual my list of friends to visit was long. I was excited, ecstatic even, to get a chance to meet up with people that I so wanted to see.
But somewhere inside, somewhere in me tells me that things are different. they are never really what they seem. It's like a part of you wants to believe so bad that you get yourself convinced that things are not what they seem. I was wrong. But I was also right.
You see, I want to believe that I can disappear and re-emerge back in the circulation and find the things the way they are. I want to feel that things are the same. That feelings can lasts forever. One thing is for sure, people will forever feel lost if only they would stop and think about it.
I had a chance to do that. I stopped going with the flow and assessed my life, where I wanna be in the next ten years, what I will live for, my purpose, my reason for existing. It was easy really. All it took was a flight away from all the buzz, lights, sounds, and what most would satisfyingly call "life."
This couple of days though was the real test of stamina. I am back in the arena again. I am empowered because now I can make decisions. One that I was blinded to even imagine I can do. It was a tough decision.
I dunno what triggered the anxiety attack really. But now as I write this entry I am realizing it. it's getting clearer and clearer. It is very easy to lose focus of what you really want to do. granted that you have found that one thing. the one thing that would make you live a significant life not a self consumed life. (that thought requires a blog) It takes so much effort to stay on track.
I got distracted. But the control of anxiety is now wearing off. why should I worry about tomorrow, letting it affect my today and not really enjoying life. why should I worry about something that I am not sure I will have. Waking tomorrow is a gift, a blessing. It is not a inevitable. Death is. so why should I worry about tomorrow when I can enjoy life now, today, with my brother.
excess: I just sure wish i got to spend time with those that I had on my list. guys you were on my mind and in my heart. -kaziel, ves, dada, shie, jay, matt, rexcy, shanz, jaime, mark, andrei, alex, rane…
I arrived thursday. Yey! I was back in the megametro. As usual my list of friends to visit was long. I was excited, ecstatic even, to get a chance to meet up with people that I so wanted to see.
But somewhere inside, somewhere in me tells me that things are different. they are never really what they seem. It's like a part of you wants to believe so bad that you get yourself convinced that things are not what they seem. I was wrong. But I was also right.
You see, I want to believe that I can disappear and re-emerge back in the circulation and find the things the way they are. I want to feel that things are the same. That feelings can lasts forever. One thing is for sure, people will forever feel lost if only they would stop and think about it.
I had a chance to do that. I stopped going with the flow and assessed my life, where I wanna be in the next ten years, what I will live for, my purpose, my reason for existing. It was easy really. All it took was a flight away from all the buzz, lights, sounds, and what most would satisfyingly call "life."
This couple of days though was the real test of stamina. I am back in the arena again. I am empowered because now I can make decisions. One that I was blinded to even imagine I can do. It was a tough decision.
I dunno what triggered the anxiety attack really. But now as I write this entry I am realizing it. it's getting clearer and clearer. It is very easy to lose focus of what you really want to do. granted that you have found that one thing. the one thing that would make you live a significant life not a self consumed life. (that thought requires a blog) It takes so much effort to stay on track.
I got distracted. But the control of anxiety is now wearing off. why should I worry about tomorrow, letting it affect my today and not really enjoying life. why should I worry about something that I am not sure I will have. Waking tomorrow is a gift, a blessing. It is not a inevitable. Death is. so why should I worry about tomorrow when I can enjoy life now, today, with my brother.
excess: I just sure wish i got to spend time with those that I had on my list. guys you were on my mind and in my heart. -kaziel, ves, dada, shie, jay, matt, rexcy, shanz, jaime, mark, andrei, alex, rane…
Thoughts on (tonight's episode of) Nip-Tuck
people are so obsessed with beauty and youth simply because they haven't come to terms with the fact that we all have limited time in this world. They want to do so many things to validate their importance and significance through the acceptance that they get with their peers who in reality is as lost as they are. each trying to find satisfaction in a society who knows none.
people want to satisfy their inner child. they forget that all of us need to get grow up and face responsibility. it really takes a mature person to face life. and there are a lot of child-grown ups out there. wondering aimlessly in search of something that would make their life more meaningful.
I guess this obsession with beauty, youth, and acceptance is brought about by the fact that most people haven't really found the thing that they are created for. they squander their youth in pursuit of a lifestyle that actually seeks to destroy them. and each one of us forget that there is a reason why we exist. (some people will not agree with this. its just sad if you don't believe this. man, your so lost)
Personally, I see my life as part of a number line that extends to infinity past to infinity future. it would be a shame if I live my life in such a way that no one would ever really knew i existed. that i was not able to etch a line on that vast line - a significant life.
people want to satisfy their inner child. they forget that all of us need to get grow up and face responsibility. it really takes a mature person to face life. and there are a lot of child-grown ups out there. wondering aimlessly in search of something that would make their life more meaningful.
I guess this obsession with beauty, youth, and acceptance is brought about by the fact that most people haven't really found the thing that they are created for. they squander their youth in pursuit of a lifestyle that actually seeks to destroy them. and each one of us forget that there is a reason why we exist. (some people will not agree with this. its just sad if you don't believe this. man, your so lost)
Personally, I see my life as part of a number line that extends to infinity past to infinity future. it would be a shame if I live my life in such a way that no one would ever really knew i existed. that i was not able to etch a line on that vast line - a significant life.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Thursday, September 14, 2006
sudden fear
my mom flew to manila to be with my younger bro earlier. it was nothing out of the ordinary since we fly evry now and so often that flying seems like a second nature to the family. but earlier i had this unnatural fear. i came to realize that things can happen, unimaginable things. and i felt an intense surge of fear enough to hug her tight and not let her go although i had to.
---sigh!
---sigh!
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
on purpose: pitiful life
i was reading "walk across the room" while rendering the video i was editing when it happened. out of the blue two bugs came and frolicked with my bedroom light. it was around two in the morning. and i am not surprised to see them going crazy inside my room after all, mine was probably the only light available for kilometers.
i watched them for several minutes circle around my light bulb before i mustered the courage to spray them with raid and only because i had to. the were distracting me and i was not sure if they had stingers. and mainly because i don't want to end up like our pet dong, kikay, who had her eyelids stung and sore. thus, i resorted to that drastic measure. after i sprayed them, i stopped reading and watched them circle over me. it took sometime before they got knocked off and... and then, i wondered.
i thought are we like small bugs? some people live like bugs. they go circle around one thing that sort of makes their existence worthwhile. they are attracted and focused on getting to that bright light. they get burned and hurt, i'm assuming here, but still they go on. they go at it until they burned their wings and eventually fall down. then what? they die. pitiful existence come to think of it. don't you think?
compared to eternity human life is like a blip, a faint and often times insignificant one at it. i imagined my blip to be like that of the bugs that are know scattered and littered all over my bedroom floor, at this time i have quite a handful an another three flying over head, and i felt my insides turn. life is not like that, is it? i want a more meaningful life. one that is not simply aimless. its just pitiful.
i watched them for several minutes circle around my light bulb before i mustered the courage to spray them with raid and only because i had to. the were distracting me and i was not sure if they had stingers. and mainly because i don't want to end up like our pet dong, kikay, who had her eyelids stung and sore. thus, i resorted to that drastic measure. after i sprayed them, i stopped reading and watched them circle over me. it took sometime before they got knocked off and... and then, i wondered.
i thought are we like small bugs? some people live like bugs. they go circle around one thing that sort of makes their existence worthwhile. they are attracted and focused on getting to that bright light. they get burned and hurt, i'm assuming here, but still they go on. they go at it until they burned their wings and eventually fall down. then what? they die. pitiful existence come to think of it. don't you think?
compared to eternity human life is like a blip, a faint and often times insignificant one at it. i imagined my blip to be like that of the bugs that are know scattered and littered all over my bedroom floor, at this time i have quite a handful an another three flying over head, and i felt my insides turn. life is not like that, is it? i want a more meaningful life. one that is not simply aimless. its just pitiful.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
purpose-Intro
If life is about leaving an indelible mark in a canvass of eternity i wonder how much of what I'm supposed to do have i accomplished already, or haven't? its been a while since i had time to reflect on things. and now, at 0052 hours i am faced with that nagging question.
I guess being a way from everyone that you've grown fond of through the years, in this case about three years, makes you think of things. i was tossing and turning on my bed as i mentally look back at all the faces of the people that for some time meant so much to me. it sounds a bit corny but i realized i was smiling most of the time. if someone saw me, good thing my only witness was the "butiki" on my ceiling, i don't now if id be able to explain myself.
but yes i was smiling as my personal slideshow of cherish memories run through my head. several times i picked up my phone and sent an sms or two to people i really missed. the feeling was just intense. but for most of em i restrained myself. instead i asked myself if they are feeling the same way, or if they have come to the same point where i find myself tonight?
then it dawned on me. for most of them, i am starting to drift slowly and surely, disappearing into the mists of forgotten-land. then i asked myself, is that all that there is to life? i mean, yeah you work, earn, meet people, establish relationships then as life moves on, drift apart? it got me thinking for some odd reasons, my purpose for existence. because if people come and go and eventually, inevitably, would need to move on, what is the purpose of it all?
if all it is, is growing personally and experiencing life and learning from it. then what's next? after we've grown and experienced things, where do we go? after accumulating all those information and life wisdom, what is next??? i wonder!?
now lets go back to leaving an indelible mark. i guess what I'm trying to say is that i want my life to matter. i want to live a significant life, significant to the people i ones loved and significant to those i am yet to meet. i am risking the fact that i sound more like someone with attention deficiency and probably someone who doubts his self worth but the thing that is burning inside me right now is i, as a matter of fact, want to leave an indelible mark in this planet. because if i don't, i don't see any reason for living. do you?
I guess being a way from everyone that you've grown fond of through the years, in this case about three years, makes you think of things. i was tossing and turning on my bed as i mentally look back at all the faces of the people that for some time meant so much to me. it sounds a bit corny but i realized i was smiling most of the time. if someone saw me, good thing my only witness was the "butiki" on my ceiling, i don't now if id be able to explain myself.
but yes i was smiling as my personal slideshow of cherish memories run through my head. several times i picked up my phone and sent an sms or two to people i really missed. the feeling was just intense. but for most of em i restrained myself. instead i asked myself if they are feeling the same way, or if they have come to the same point where i find myself tonight?
then it dawned on me. for most of them, i am starting to drift slowly and surely, disappearing into the mists of forgotten-land. then i asked myself, is that all that there is to life? i mean, yeah you work, earn, meet people, establish relationships then as life moves on, drift apart? it got me thinking for some odd reasons, my purpose for existence. because if people come and go and eventually, inevitably, would need to move on, what is the purpose of it all?
if all it is, is growing personally and experiencing life and learning from it. then what's next? after we've grown and experienced things, where do we go? after accumulating all those information and life wisdom, what is next??? i wonder!?
now lets go back to leaving an indelible mark. i guess what I'm trying to say is that i want my life to matter. i want to live a significant life, significant to the people i ones loved and significant to those i am yet to meet. i am risking the fact that i sound more like someone with attention deficiency and probably someone who doubts his self worth but the thing that is burning inside me right now is i, as a matter of fact, want to leave an indelible mark in this planet. because if i don't, i don't see any reason for living. do you?
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Sunday, August 13, 2006
busy days are coming
things are starting to build up. i am excited as things seems to fall into place. i cant believe these things are happening but im sure 100 percent that these are the manifestations, physical and tangible, of the inventments i planted last july.
i have never planned in advance. sad, right? well, i was the happy go luck type. i was just cruisng and was enjoying my life. but things are not permanent. the only permanent thing in this world as my dad would always put it is change. and so i did.
lately i have been thinking and planning. to be effective i need to plan in advance the thing i need to do and accomplish so as to align everything to a goal. yey! i finally i got it. i can almost hear someone cheer. planning doesnt seem so bad after all. as a matter of factfor the pat few weeks ive been doing it like its a new found hobby. this is the part where i should scream MACBOOK PLEASE...
>>>now that i mention that i should plan on how to get my hands on that beauty... SWEEETTTT... i just need to get that. i need to... i need to...
it amazes me how these things makes sense. you plan ahead and thing get clearer. you get to pinpoint the things that you need to do to accomplish what you need t. man! why was i not doing this??? goodness i feels so good to know what your next step should be. okay, now is the best time to clap and welcome me to the civilized world.
so here is the thing i am looking at my year calendar now. and i am looking at how my next year is goona work. so far i have things falling into the dates like crazy. i have so many things to do and i am happy i discovered the need for good planning. things from here on will be so exciting... i am so sure of that. i(we're) in for a roller coaster of a ride. buckle up jop your on your way...
i have never planned in advance. sad, right? well, i was the happy go luck type. i was just cruisng and was enjoying my life. but things are not permanent. the only permanent thing in this world as my dad would always put it is change. and so i did.
lately i have been thinking and planning. to be effective i need to plan in advance the thing i need to do and accomplish so as to align everything to a goal. yey! i finally i got it. i can almost hear someone cheer. planning doesnt seem so bad after all. as a matter of factfor the pat few weeks ive been doing it like its a new found hobby. this is the part where i should scream MACBOOK PLEASE...
>>>now that i mention that i should plan on how to get my hands on that beauty... SWEEETTTT... i just need to get that. i need to... i need to...
it amazes me how these things makes sense. you plan ahead and thing get clearer. you get to pinpoint the things that you need to do to accomplish what you need t. man! why was i not doing this??? goodness i feels so good to know what your next step should be. okay, now is the best time to clap and welcome me to the civilized world.
so here is the thing i am looking at my year calendar now. and i am looking at how my next year is goona work. so far i have things falling into the dates like crazy. i have so many things to do and i am happy i discovered the need for good planning. things from here on will be so exciting... i am so sure of that. i(we're) in for a roller coaster of a ride. buckle up jop your on your way...
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
leaving washington
"time flies when your having fun..." i cant believe im leaving for california now and that the conference i came here for has finally ended. there are s much things to think about. so far i am challenged and excited to go back home.
coming here will change the landscape of how things are done back home. i am excited to be the catalyst for that change. its a lot of work but i am eager with anticipation to go back...
coming here will change the landscape of how things are done back home. i am excited to be the catalyst for that change. its a lot of work but i am eager with anticipation to go back...
Monday, August 07, 2006
two days
i was just reminded about this... hold this thought and think about it, and i mean really think about it. "there are only two important days in your life, the day you were born and the second is the day that you knew the reason why." -rick godwin
its amazing how one ordinary day be the day, with that im talking about realizing the reason why. the thing about that saying though is it never come to you as in whole. you get a glimmer of things and if you really think about it it takes time before it sinks in - your purpose, the reason.
its amazing how one ordinary day be the day, with that im talking about realizing the reason why. the thing about that saying though is it never come to you as in whole. you get a glimmer of things and if you really think about it it takes time before it sinks in - your purpose, the reason.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
8:11am 05/08 local Tacoma WA time
to those that have greeted me and sent their regards i am deeply touched. i only wish i can reply to all of you guys and tell you how much i appreciate that you remembered. my heart is overwhelmed. you guys made my birthday. love you.
via sms (Philippine Time)
23:23 Tinton Quirante
20:42 Earl Fuentes
21:37 Krystle Bandian and Family (Australia)
19:38 Dindin Tamayo
19:23 Chiara Señorin
19:00 Hazel Quiambao
16:53 Ditas Portillio
12:25 Cleng Lopez
12:09 Mina Zagala
11:12 Jan Michael Vincent Abril
09:50 Ian the Master
09:41 Aileen Chua
09:40 Glendalyn Lao
09:08 Angelica "Anjay" Corquera
08:27 Anna Katrina "Dada" Salomon
08:06 Dexter Joseph "Decoy" Palay
07:11 My MOM
06:45 Mitchelle Gimena
06:44 dr. Mirian Viterbo
06:35 Jadd Muñoz
06:05 Rey Pactanac
04:08 Jake Muñoz
03:44 Alcy Marie Dizon
02:31 Dhazzle
00:29 Mark Aba
00:11 Dennis Dela Cruz
Bj Chua
Hanna Barcita
My BRO
via missed call
Shineth Kiram
Myko
Dada (with liza and hazel)
Earl
via call
pio
via e-messenger/YM(agust 5th US time)
Andrei Jose
via sms (Philippine Time)
23:23 Tinton Quirante
20:42 Earl Fuentes
21:37 Krystle Bandian and Family (Australia)
19:38 Dindin Tamayo
19:23 Chiara Señorin
19:00 Hazel Quiambao
16:53 Ditas Portillio
12:25 Cleng Lopez
12:09 Mina Zagala
11:12 Jan Michael Vincent Abril
09:50 Ian the Master
09:41 Aileen Chua
09:40 Glendalyn Lao
09:08 Angelica "Anjay" Corquera
08:27 Anna Katrina "Dada" Salomon
08:06 Dexter Joseph "Decoy" Palay
07:11 My MOM
06:45 Mitchelle Gimena
06:44 dr. Mirian Viterbo
06:35 Jadd Muñoz
06:05 Rey Pactanac
04:08 Jake Muñoz
03:44 Alcy Marie Dizon
02:31 Dhazzle
00:29 Mark Aba
00:11 Dennis Dela Cruz
Bj Chua
Hanna Barcita
My BRO
via missed call
Shineth Kiram
Myko
Dada (with liza and hazel)
Earl
via call
pio
via e-messenger/YM(agust 5th US time)
Andrei Jose
Thursday, August 03, 2006
the day: 27th year
wah... its my birthday back in my home sweet home Philippines...
first ones who greeted me:
my bro, mark
hannah barcita
bj the geisha...
its 12:58pm local tacoma washington time. hey ndi ko pa birthday... i think peeps back home are a bit messed up. its should be me with jetlag. hahahaha
first ones who greeted me:
my bro, mark
hannah barcita
bj the geisha...
its 12:58pm local tacoma washington time. hey ndi ko pa birthday... i think peeps back home are a bit messed up. its should be me with jetlag. hahahaha
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Destiny-Identity : pre 27th jitters
another journey is about to start. barely a month had past and i am engaging in yet another, life changing, travel out of the country - US 2006.
a year had past since i saw the potential, my untapped potential. i was awestruck at the endless possibilities i have right in the palm of my hand. i have what others would die for and some would kill for. i had/have options.
at age 26 i am seeing things differently. i have gained perspective through the years. it is as if all the uncalculated and sometime, no most of the time, risky and reckless move i made led me to this junction in my life - knowing annd accepting my identity, my destiny.
i dont know if i will regret the times i wasted wandering around and wondering on things that, as my mom would say, has no eternal value. i am turning 27 in a few days. (dang!!! thats how old i am???shucks reality is such a downer...hahahah) so far i see all that ive been through as a steady force that ultimately led me to where i am right now.
in a span of a year i have slowly and unknowingly, although with intention to find something worthwhile, positioned myself backl towards my destiny.
Destiny it seems, even i fight it will all my might, intelligence, logic and reason, is pre-destined. that maybe and is a hard truth to swallow. in fact for years it has been a personal issue. my background being that i attended UP, an institution where topics like these are not left unscrutinized, led me to a point where accepting that very principle became difficult. i was slowly being led further and further away from what i am supposed top be doing. my mind was being polluted.
my capability to grow and learn about my destiny and tru identity was stunt. i have accepted an idea and believed it, one that led me away from realizing my fullest potential. i was fooled into believing that life is and can only be governed by one destiny. and to be forced into a predestined life with a God that gives freedom and free will was a theological blunder. a hoax. a nullification of His character as the God of and is Love. and i readily accepted that logical reasoning.
it took me about eight years to realize that i am just human. in simpler terms God is God and my logic, reason, and rationale will never equal His. and so i went back to the Word. and although i have/had so much baggage with an open mind and ready spirit i started to see things differently. Accepting that i am nothing compared to an All-Powerful Force (GOD) gave me a clear perspective, and a clear one at that, of who i am.
He is indeed Love. because he did not only gave me a pre-destined destiny but he gave me a full spectrum of choices all fallingt under his intelligence, superiority, and will except one. i can choose and with His gift of free-will chart my own destiny.
with so many good things and one bad to choose from, the latter which is to serve his arch enemy, the question of what is the best pops into my head. for sure amongst the many options of good destiny several would be best and only one would be great. the key as i discovered recently and which my folks have been forcing into my system for the longest time is to align yourself to his perfect will. for sure there is one amongst the many that God Himself favors and continously hopes we choose. that is what i am discovering now.
another journey is starting. this time it not a journey or a quest to prove to evryone that i am in control of my own destiny rather a journey all about finding my true identity - what God has intended me to be. He is Love. Because even if i have wasted 10 years in trying to get to where i am now, he can make a way where there seems to be no way. its hard to comprehend i know that is probably why He said: i must renew my mind.
i am writing this entry inside the toy dept in Rustans makati. it seems funny to be reminded of how uninhibited and pure kids are. I guess that is why it was written that unless we become like children we cannot enter the kingdom of heaven. imagine with me no pre-conceived ideas, prejudices and acquired rationale to hinder your understanding of divine being - GOD.
I am in a jpurney again. a journey of rediscovery and understanding me, myself and my identity in respect to His plan.
a year had past since i saw the potential, my untapped potential. i was awestruck at the endless possibilities i have right in the palm of my hand. i have what others would die for and some would kill for. i had/have options.
at age 26 i am seeing things differently. i have gained perspective through the years. it is as if all the uncalculated and sometime, no most of the time, risky and reckless move i made led me to this junction in my life - knowing annd accepting my identity, my destiny.
i dont know if i will regret the times i wasted wandering around and wondering on things that, as my mom would say, has no eternal value. i am turning 27 in a few days. (dang!!! thats how old i am???shucks reality is such a downer...hahahah) so far i see all that ive been through as a steady force that ultimately led me to where i am right now.
in a span of a year i have slowly and unknowingly, although with intention to find something worthwhile, positioned myself backl towards my destiny.
Destiny it seems, even i fight it will all my might, intelligence, logic and reason, is pre-destined. that maybe and is a hard truth to swallow. in fact for years it has been a personal issue. my background being that i attended UP, an institution where topics like these are not left unscrutinized, led me to a point where accepting that very principle became difficult. i was slowly being led further and further away from what i am supposed top be doing. my mind was being polluted.
my capability to grow and learn about my destiny and tru identity was stunt. i have accepted an idea and believed it, one that led me away from realizing my fullest potential. i was fooled into believing that life is and can only be governed by one destiny. and to be forced into a predestined life with a God that gives freedom and free will was a theological blunder. a hoax. a nullification of His character as the God of and is Love. and i readily accepted that logical reasoning.
it took me about eight years to realize that i am just human. in simpler terms God is God and my logic, reason, and rationale will never equal His. and so i went back to the Word. and although i have/had so much baggage with an open mind and ready spirit i started to see things differently. Accepting that i am nothing compared to an All-Powerful Force (GOD) gave me a clear perspective, and a clear one at that, of who i am.
He is indeed Love. because he did not only gave me a pre-destined destiny but he gave me a full spectrum of choices all fallingt under his intelligence, superiority, and will except one. i can choose and with His gift of free-will chart my own destiny.
with so many good things and one bad to choose from, the latter which is to serve his arch enemy, the question of what is the best pops into my head. for sure amongst the many options of good destiny several would be best and only one would be great. the key as i discovered recently and which my folks have been forcing into my system for the longest time is to align yourself to his perfect will. for sure there is one amongst the many that God Himself favors and continously hopes we choose. that is what i am discovering now.
another journey is starting. this time it not a journey or a quest to prove to evryone that i am in control of my own destiny rather a journey all about finding my true identity - what God has intended me to be. He is Love. Because even if i have wasted 10 years in trying to get to where i am now, he can make a way where there seems to be no way. its hard to comprehend i know that is probably why He said: i must renew my mind.
i am writing this entry inside the toy dept in Rustans makati. it seems funny to be reminded of how uninhibited and pure kids are. I guess that is why it was written that unless we become like children we cannot enter the kingdom of heaven. imagine with me no pre-conceived ideas, prejudices and acquired rationale to hinder your understanding of divine being - GOD.
I am in a jpurney again. a journey of rediscovery and understanding me, myself and my identity in respect to His plan.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
outside looking in
its amazaing to see things, the same things that you ones hold dear, reduce to just things. i used to put so much importance on these- material stuff. its just funny how things (priorities) change these days. guess when you've seen the finish line you muster all your strenght to get to it. so much have change in my priorities. have i finally died to myself?
sitting down i thought: "man, you have more time to relax than when you were working." yeah i find it a bit weird that i get to sit down and actually relax compared to when i still have all the money to buy myself relaxation. odd!
why spend so much for relaxation? well you wanna feel like you were actually existing... oh my so called life - call boy
its almost a miracle when you find things that you thought you lost because you gave them up. there is truth in the words "what you lose for Me, you'll have." i have turn my back on so many things in faith. it was a journey and not an easy one at that. but things are proving to be worthwhile. oh yeah definitely.
right now i cant think of that pivotal moment. there has to be. but i cant pinpoint that time when i made a decision. the decision have that step of faith. there cant be none. because for something good like this a sacrifice has to be made.
sitting down i thought: "man, you have more time to relax than when you were working." yeah i find it a bit weird that i get to sit down and actually relax compared to when i still have all the money to buy myself relaxation. odd!
why spend so much for relaxation? well you wanna feel like you were actually existing... oh my so called life - call boy
its almost a miracle when you find things that you thought you lost because you gave them up. there is truth in the words "what you lose for Me, you'll have." i have turn my back on so many things in faith. it was a journey and not an easy one at that. but things are proving to be worthwhile. oh yeah definitely.
right now i cant think of that pivotal moment. there has to be. but i cant pinpoint that time when i made a decision. the decision have that step of faith. there cant be none. because for something good like this a sacrifice has to be made.
Monday, July 24, 2006
july21st???
it came and passed me by and i didnt even realized it. the 3rd year mark. im single! and i am growing UP... FINALLY
Sunday, July 16, 2006
What is HIV? HIV
(human immunodeficiency virus) is the virus that causes AIDS. This virus is passed from one person to another through blood-to-blood and sexual contact. In addition, infected pregnant women can pass HIV to their baby during pregnancy or delivery, as well as through breast-feeding. People with HIV have what is called HIV infection. Most of these people will develop AIDS as a result of their HIV infection.
What is AIDS? What causes AIDS?
AIDS stands for acquired immunodeficiency syndrome. An HIV-infected person receives a diagnosis of AIDS after developing one of the CDC-defined AIDS indicator illnesses, (opportunistic infection.) An HIV-positive person who has not had any serious illnesses also can receive an AIDS diagnosis on the basis of certain blood tests (CD4+ counts). A CD4+ count of less than 200 indicates a severely damaged immune system and an AIDS diagnosis.
A positive HIV test result does not mean that a person has AIDS. A diagnosis of AIDS is made by a physician using certain clinical criteria.
Infection with HIV can weaken the immune system to the point that it has difficulty fighting off certain infections. These types of infections are known as "opportunistic" infections because they take the opportunity a weakened immune system gives to cause illness.
Many of the infections that cause problems or may be life threatening for people with AIDS, are usually controlled by a healthy immune system. The immune system of a person with AIDS is weakened to the point that medical intervention may be necessary to prevent or treat serious illness.
Today there are medical treatments that can slow down the rate at which HIV weakens the immune system. There are other treatments that can prevent or cure some of the illnesses associated with AIDS. As with other diseases, early detection offers more options for treatment and preventative care.
Also, once a person is diagnosed with AIDS, they will always be considered to have AIDS, regardless of clinical changes later on. For example, if a person has HIV and a CD4 count below 200, they are considered to have AIDS. If their CD4 count later goes back to above 200, they are still considered to have AIDS.
How can I tell if I'm infected with HIV? What are the symptoms?
The only way to determine for sure whether you are infected is to be tested for HIV infection. You cannot rely on symptoms to know whether or not you are infected with HIV. Many people who are infected with HIV do not have any symptoms at all for many years. An HIV antibody test has been available since 1985. This test was originally licensed for the purpose of screening blood donations, but is now available at various sites for testing persons concerned they may have been exposed to HIV.
The following may be warning signs of infection with HIV:
rapid weight loss dry cough recurring fever or profuse night sweats profound and unexplained fatigue swollen lymph glands in the armpits, groin, or neck diarrhea that lasts for more than a week white spots or unusual blemishes on the tongue, in the mouth, or in the throat pneumonia red, brown, pink, or purplish blotches on or under the skin or inside the mouth, nose, or eyelids memory loss, depression, and other neurological disorders
However, no one should assume they are infected if they have any of these symptoms. Each of these symptoms can be related to other illnesses. Again, the only way to determine whether you are infected is to be tested for HIV infection.
Similarly, you cannot rely on symptoms to establish that a person has AIDS. The symptoms of AIDS are similar to the symptoms of many other illnesses. AIDS is a medical diagnosis made by a doctor based on specific criteria established by the CDC.
(human immunodeficiency virus) is the virus that causes AIDS. This virus is passed from one person to another through blood-to-blood and sexual contact. In addition, infected pregnant women can pass HIV to their baby during pregnancy or delivery, as well as through breast-feeding. People with HIV have what is called HIV infection. Most of these people will develop AIDS as a result of their HIV infection.
What is AIDS? What causes AIDS?
AIDS stands for acquired immunodeficiency syndrome. An HIV-infected person receives a diagnosis of AIDS after developing one of the CDC-defined AIDS indicator illnesses, (opportunistic infection.) An HIV-positive person who has not had any serious illnesses also can receive an AIDS diagnosis on the basis of certain blood tests (CD4+ counts). A CD4+ count of less than 200 indicates a severely damaged immune system and an AIDS diagnosis.
A positive HIV test result does not mean that a person has AIDS. A diagnosis of AIDS is made by a physician using certain clinical criteria.
Infection with HIV can weaken the immune system to the point that it has difficulty fighting off certain infections. These types of infections are known as "opportunistic" infections because they take the opportunity a weakened immune system gives to cause illness.
Many of the infections that cause problems or may be life threatening for people with AIDS, are usually controlled by a healthy immune system. The immune system of a person with AIDS is weakened to the point that medical intervention may be necessary to prevent or treat serious illness.
Today there are medical treatments that can slow down the rate at which HIV weakens the immune system. There are other treatments that can prevent or cure some of the illnesses associated with AIDS. As with other diseases, early detection offers more options for treatment and preventative care.
Also, once a person is diagnosed with AIDS, they will always be considered to have AIDS, regardless of clinical changes later on. For example, if a person has HIV and a CD4 count below 200, they are considered to have AIDS. If their CD4 count later goes back to above 200, they are still considered to have AIDS.
How can I tell if I'm infected with HIV? What are the symptoms?
The only way to determine for sure whether you are infected is to be tested for HIV infection. You cannot rely on symptoms to know whether or not you are infected with HIV. Many people who are infected with HIV do not have any symptoms at all for many years. An HIV antibody test has been available since 1985. This test was originally licensed for the purpose of screening blood donations, but is now available at various sites for testing persons concerned they may have been exposed to HIV.
The following may be warning signs of infection with HIV:
rapid weight loss dry cough recurring fever or profuse night sweats profound and unexplained fatigue swollen lymph glands in the armpits, groin, or neck diarrhea that lasts for more than a week white spots or unusual blemishes on the tongue, in the mouth, or in the throat pneumonia red, brown, pink, or purplish blotches on or under the skin or inside the mouth, nose, or eyelids memory loss, depression, and other neurological disorders
However, no one should assume they are infected if they have any of these symptoms. Each of these symptoms can be related to other illnesses. Again, the only way to determine whether you are infected is to be tested for HIV infection.
Similarly, you cannot rely on symptoms to establish that a person has AIDS. The symptoms of AIDS are similar to the symptoms of many other illnesses. AIDS is a medical diagnosis made by a doctor based on specific criteria established by the CDC.
love you shineth!
i remember planting dreams with you. Chasing wishes, watching flowers. But what i remeber best is how you always made me laugh, even when the world around us was falling apart.
All these years, walking the solitary paths where i found and lost myself a thousand times, I never felt alone because you were in my memory. You were there. And I will always stand by you.
go outside now and walk away. Find one of those roads again somewhere. in the quiet shade of gentle trees. Take this card and hug your shadow and love yourself and remeber these things:
There is nothing in the world thats worth giving up what you've already achieved. You will always be a fighter and a dreamer. Now more than ever, you've got to look deep within your heart - and believe.
-ashely rice
All these years, walking the solitary paths where i found and lost myself a thousand times, I never felt alone because you were in my memory. You were there. And I will always stand by you.
go outside now and walk away. Find one of those roads again somewhere. in the quiet shade of gentle trees. Take this card and hug your shadow and love yourself and remeber these things:
There is nothing in the world thats worth giving up what you've already achieved. You will always be a fighter and a dreamer. Now more than ever, you've got to look deep within your heart - and believe.
-ashely rice
Saturday, July 15, 2006
laugh your heart out.
i needed to reminded that laughter is the best medicine (most of the times)
TheJapaneseAreCrazy (dot com)
TheJapaneseAreCrazy (dot com)
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
landing
after 30 minutes of circling the air we finally landed. i was oblivious to evrything. right before the aircraft started shaking i turned on my ipod and listening to united. i figured, why would i worry myself with whats happening when i know there are things yet to be done. so while everybody was sweating from the air pocket, (btw this were serious air pocket...ive had my share of turbulence but this surely topped the charts) i was chillin.
sing:
sing:
Found love beyond all reason
You gave Your life Your all for me
And called me Yours forever
Caught in the mercy fallout
I found hope found life
Found all I need
You're all I need
The time has come
To stand for all we believe in
So I for one am gonna
Give my praise to You
Today today it's all or nothing
All they way
The praise goes out to You
Yeah all the praise goes out to You
Today today I live for one thing
To give You praise
In everything I do
Yeah all the praise goes out to You
All we are is Yours
And all we're living for
Is all You are
Is all that You are Lord
You gave Your life Your all for me
And called me Yours forever
Caught in the mercy fallout
I found hope found life
Found all I need
You're all I need
The time has come
To stand for all we believe in
So I for one am gonna
Give my praise to You
Today today it's all or nothing
All they way
The praise goes out to You
Yeah all the praise goes out to You
Today today I live for one thing
To give You praise
In everything I do
Yeah all the praise goes out to You
All we are is Yours
And all we're living for
Is all You are
Is all that You are Lord
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
see yah soon, sydney
farewell and goodbyes are just around the corner. i am not new to this feeling since i travelled a lot. and when i am not, farewells and goodbyes find their way to me. my family have hosted so many people traveling here and there that my life has been accentuated and highlighted with so much HIs and HELLOs and FAREWELLs and GOODBYEs.
by this time you think i would have developed immunity from this feeling. but im surprised to realized that i have not. there is this sinking feeling inside me as each second pass. something in me yearns to savour each passing moment as if it were my last. well yeah! technically this is my last here in sydney. but i am taking it in with the thought of reminsicing on it soon.
15 days flew by so fast. so many experience and insights have flooded my system in the last couple of days. but as i pack my stuff and prepare to leave i cant deny being overwhelmed with so much emotions.
i have gained yet another perspective in life. i am seing it in a totally different way while rethinking what i have thought it was for so long. i am not too ready to let go of my past yet not to reluctant to not try new things. i reckon this is what they call growing old.
something inside me tells me this is not the last time ill be here. so there wouldnt be any farewells and goodbyes instead "see yah soon, sydney."
by this time you think i would have developed immunity from this feeling. but im surprised to realized that i have not. there is this sinking feeling inside me as each second pass. something in me yearns to savour each passing moment as if it were my last. well yeah! technically this is my last here in sydney. but i am taking it in with the thought of reminsicing on it soon.
15 days flew by so fast. so many experience and insights have flooded my system in the last couple of days. but as i pack my stuff and prepare to leave i cant deny being overwhelmed with so much emotions.
i have gained yet another perspective in life. i am seing it in a totally different way while rethinking what i have thought it was for so long. i am not too ready to let go of my past yet not to reluctant to not try new things. i reckon this is what they call growing old.
something inside me tells me this is not the last time ill be here. so there wouldnt be any farewells and goodbyes instead "see yah soon, sydney."
Saturday, July 08, 2006
worn out shoes
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walking makes sense. dressing up too. i just wish i had more money to spend.***check out my pic journal for more.
Friday, July 07, 2006
investment: preview
investments. i never imagine that it takes so much more to really invest on something. okay, lets say i gained perspective. somehow i always do when im out of the country. but i was not prepared for it this time.
april last year i voted to join my dad on his US tour. partly because i grew tired of my routine at work and of course mainly my dad has been bugging me to go for several years that i literally run out of excuses.
what came after that trip, although not expected, was long overdue. seing the world outside the four corners of my pod (what we call our station back at parlance, previous work) was enough to make me resign. there was more to life than making pldt rich and getting the compensation. outside that office lies endless potential. i can reach for the starts. and now im realizing more and more that is do-able.
but like most things it doesnt come off cheap. there is a price to pay. a certain trade off. one that not everyone is willing to pay. heck even i wasnt really into it. but like what i said earlier i gained perspective. for me to inch myself to my destiny i have to learn this. and yeah i am happy that i am, dont get me wrong. i am thrilled at the idea of doing something more than i thought i can.
whan i was about 11300feet off the ground i told myself that i will be open to new things. i will not let myself, my old self that is, to get in the way of getting them most out of this trip. and i have. one thing i am learning right now is setting your priority and working your way towards that which will make your destiny a reality. (wah heavy concepts...need to explain. maybe sometime soon.)
i a nutshell: i am leaning to set aside my materialism. im dying to myself as i write.
april last year i voted to join my dad on his US tour. partly because i grew tired of my routine at work and of course mainly my dad has been bugging me to go for several years that i literally run out of excuses.
what came after that trip, although not expected, was long overdue. seing the world outside the four corners of my pod (what we call our station back at parlance, previous work) was enough to make me resign. there was more to life than making pldt rich and getting the compensation. outside that office lies endless potential. i can reach for the starts. and now im realizing more and more that is do-able.
but like most things it doesnt come off cheap. there is a price to pay. a certain trade off. one that not everyone is willing to pay. heck even i wasnt really into it. but like what i said earlier i gained perspective. for me to inch myself to my destiny i have to learn this. and yeah i am happy that i am, dont get me wrong. i am thrilled at the idea of doing something more than i thought i can.
whan i was about 11300feet off the ground i told myself that i will be open to new things. i will not let myself, my old self that is, to get in the way of getting them most out of this trip. and i have. one thing i am learning right now is setting your priority and working your way towards that which will make your destiny a reality. (wah heavy concepts...need to explain. maybe sometime soon.)
i a nutshell: i am leaning to set aside my materialism. im dying to myself as i write.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
zapped
ive been here for four days and im enjoying it. conference was amazing. there are so many insights and revelation. i think im getting to know myself more in the last couple of days than in a couple of years trying to define it.
im getting addicted to this feeling. as a matter of fact so addictied that i think ill enroll and study here for a year or two.
something in me is brewing and i think, maybe, that it will soon unveil itself. ill miss this so cold weather when i fly back on the 12th. the frenzy and the hype is just too much. its like going to disneyland. except this time instead of lining for rides and attraction you get to hear good and motivational speakers. and so far they have.
its not that im all out yeah this is so right. im trying to see and weuight things myself. and the more i do the clearer the image is to me. ah satisfaction na ba ito? lets see.
Australia! ang saya mow. (one thing i noticed. i feel like ive been zapped right into the 80s. everyone looks like cyndy-lauper. and the guys!. oh mah gawd. baston!!!) Is rock the national theme here???
im getting addicted to this feeling. as a matter of fact so addictied that i think ill enroll and study here for a year or two.
something in me is brewing and i think, maybe, that it will soon unveil itself. ill miss this so cold weather when i fly back on the 12th. the frenzy and the hype is just too much. its like going to disneyland. except this time instead of lining for rides and attraction you get to hear good and motivational speakers. and so far they have.
its not that im all out yeah this is so right. im trying to see and weuight things myself. and the more i do the clearer the image is to me. ah satisfaction na ba ito? lets see.
Australia! ang saya mow. (one thing i noticed. i feel like ive been zapped right into the 80s. everyone looks like cyndy-lauper. and the guys!. oh mah gawd. baston!!!) Is rock the national theme here???
Sunday, July 02, 2006
sunday at the HILLS
so finally i was there standing and eagerly waiting for the service to start. i cant believe myself. if i remembered i would have pinched myself to try to see if i was dreaming. but i know i wasnt. i was at the hills.
its not that we were not able to attend the saturday night service. it was great. a ukrainian guy spoke and he was so powerful. the entire service was brief but surely not less powerful. the message was so clear that it feels like it just popped out for no where and hit you so hard that you have a hard time keeping yourself steady. i was impacted.
there are so many things that i learned, and take not am still learning. for one i wanna put all my inhibitions down and just enjoy every exhilirating moment. that goes for the entire trip and not just that pivotal moment. yeah i used the word pivotal. my life is again transformed. there are so many things to ponder and think about all wrapped up in that single moment. now, imagine ive been here fopr two days now.
the songs were just magnificient. its just like evry bit of expectation i have and more. opps wait, so much more. saturday, i cried. ask me why? because i realized that we share the same God. the possibiolity is just limitless. earlier i was almost in tears. why? because i can see our House. i can see beyond what normal eyes can see and i thank Him for that.
its really an awakening. its just like i was so deep inslumber and i was jolted. yeah the operatiove word jolted awake. its so clear and so tangible. there my friend is faith. i can feel it already. the next years would be so marvelous and powerful it just makes me very interested to see His move.
a promise. before the gathering ended i asked myself. actually i wrote it on my notes. temptation: "why am i not part of this wonderful House?" and right after i wrote that something inside me snapped. not the insane snap but the snap that just makes you wanna say WOAH! i wrote: because what i have for you is something bigger, something that an ordinary member cannot and will ever be able to contain. there. that made my evening.
thats the night at the hills. God! i still have 10 days here. thats about two more sunday events. 5 nightly events for the coming conference week, and another four wonderful day sessions.
***oh thanks God our host has internet. wahahahahahahah. (oh btw, my 3g is working here...)
its not that we were not able to attend the saturday night service. it was great. a ukrainian guy spoke and he was so powerful. the entire service was brief but surely not less powerful. the message was so clear that it feels like it just popped out for no where and hit you so hard that you have a hard time keeping yourself steady. i was impacted.
there are so many things that i learned, and take not am still learning. for one i wanna put all my inhibitions down and just enjoy every exhilirating moment. that goes for the entire trip and not just that pivotal moment. yeah i used the word pivotal. my life is again transformed. there are so many things to ponder and think about all wrapped up in that single moment. now, imagine ive been here fopr two days now.
the songs were just magnificient. its just like evry bit of expectation i have and more. opps wait, so much more. saturday, i cried. ask me why? because i realized that we share the same God. the possibiolity is just limitless. earlier i was almost in tears. why? because i can see our House. i can see beyond what normal eyes can see and i thank Him for that.
its really an awakening. its just like i was so deep inslumber and i was jolted. yeah the operatiove word jolted awake. its so clear and so tangible. there my friend is faith. i can feel it already. the next years would be so marvelous and powerful it just makes me very interested to see His move.
a promise. before the gathering ended i asked myself. actually i wrote it on my notes. temptation: "why am i not part of this wonderful House?" and right after i wrote that something inside me snapped. not the insane snap but the snap that just makes you wanna say WOAH! i wrote: because what i have for you is something bigger, something that an ordinary member cannot and will ever be able to contain. there. that made my evening.
thats the night at the hills. God! i still have 10 days here. thats about two more sunday events. 5 nightly events for the coming conference week, and another four wonderful day sessions.
***oh thanks God our host has internet. wahahahahahahah. (oh btw, my 3g is working here...)
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
pride06
ubo at sipon... dammit! yan lang ang inabot ko last sat. until now nagdurusa ako.
what is to be proud of anyway??? come to think of it.
ano... baka meron kang ideya?
i dont know why i even bothered.
yeah andun si dennis at si jaime. a good excuse? no!
i am not even sure why i was supposed to be there. i have nuthing to be proud of. i have nothing. no one! worst i envy the one. i so wish i was the one. but i am not. so kill me now.
pride 06: a religion to keep sane.
when will i learn??? im getting tired of this.
someone save me from this MISERY! (and please i dont want company...)
what is to be proud of anyway??? come to think of it.
ano... baka meron kang ideya?
i dont know why i even bothered.
yeah andun si dennis at si jaime. a good excuse? no!
i am not even sure why i was supposed to be there. i have nuthing to be proud of. i have nothing. no one! worst i envy the one. i so wish i was the one. but i am not. so kill me now.
pride 06: a religion to keep sane.
when will i learn??? im getting tired of this.
someone save me from this MISERY! (and please i dont want company...)
regret
damn! you are a killer.
i used to tell myself "i wont regret things that ive done simply because they are instrumental to who and what kind of person i have become." i believed that so bad that i started doing things, that i wouldnt really do under normal circumstances. And for the sake of that misaligned justification - that evrything happens for a reason/what doesnt kill me makes me stronger attitude, i plunged myself into the abyss. now, im face to face with him, as i am forced to swallow my youthful pride and admit my defeat, i surrender to regret.
it would probably be sweet for those who have religiously warned me to be wary to utter that phrase, the not so vindictive yet not so caring phrase "i told you so." goodness, evn i have said it to myself. A little part of me that for so many times i managed to push aside to the corners of my overcomed reason, forced to take the shape and color of that which is, at that time seemingly, rational. of course, we know now that its a mistake! i was wrong.
something happens when you age, when you are slowly forced to accept the undeniable and inevitable face of reason. everything happens for a reason, i reckon. although things would have been different if i chose a different path, for sure reason will still find me. thats probably why they say regret is always in the end. having said that, is it the end?
i have suffered much. and most of which are self inflicted, i know. its like im standing on the top of the hill and only now am i realizing that there are so many other easier route, less perrilous, and less tiresome. yet i wonder why i kept on. i have been warned. even now i have this abnoxious voice in my head saying "i would still chose the same route." so in the end, would i still chose the same path?
i wanna brave that face, that sly and judging face. i wanna stare him in his eyes eagerly and see through that pool of lost potential and what-could-have-beens and drown. i have no where else to go, anyway. sooner of late he will come.
i used to tell myself "i wont regret things that ive done simply because they are instrumental to who and what kind of person i have become." i believed that so bad that i started doing things, that i wouldnt really do under normal circumstances. And for the sake of that misaligned justification - that evrything happens for a reason/what doesnt kill me makes me stronger attitude, i plunged myself into the abyss. now, im face to face with him, as i am forced to swallow my youthful pride and admit my defeat, i surrender to regret.
it would probably be sweet for those who have religiously warned me to be wary to utter that phrase, the not so vindictive yet not so caring phrase "i told you so." goodness, evn i have said it to myself. A little part of me that for so many times i managed to push aside to the corners of my overcomed reason, forced to take the shape and color of that which is, at that time seemingly, rational. of course, we know now that its a mistake! i was wrong.
something happens when you age, when you are slowly forced to accept the undeniable and inevitable face of reason. everything happens for a reason, i reckon. although things would have been different if i chose a different path, for sure reason will still find me. thats probably why they say regret is always in the end. having said that, is it the end?
i have suffered much. and most of which are self inflicted, i know. its like im standing on the top of the hill and only now am i realizing that there are so many other easier route, less perrilous, and less tiresome. yet i wonder why i kept on. i have been warned. even now i have this abnoxious voice in my head saying "i would still chose the same route." so in the end, would i still chose the same path?
i wanna brave that face, that sly and judging face. i wanna stare him in his eyes eagerly and see through that pool of lost potential and what-could-have-beens and drown. i have no where else to go, anyway. sooner of late he will come.
so bring it on!!!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
days to go...
14 days more and im off to Australia. i cant help but just be wow-ed by my schedule this year. things have been literally falling into place left and right. (guess thats what they call divine intervention.) my dad calls it calling. i see it as a blessing. (check out my previous blog.)
...so beautiful
Just in. My friend and i were texting and We found out were both insomniacs. He goes: "...count ur blessings instead of sheep." so i decided to. but If i kept on counting and writing abt d things that made me feel blesSed (ie: d blog b4 dis) i would definitely end up not sleeping. Bt on d upside, realizing so much blessings i have received makes me feel so good and relaxed enuf to sleep. I would nt fall asleep bec of exhaustion rather bec of exiliratn and satisfaction. Ah this s life!!! I would want to come back to this point everytime i feel bad to attest that life s so beautiful...
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
happy birthday...
woah! i almost forgot this month i s my first year birthday with blogger. ive been blogging for a year! yippey... there have been so many ups and down, memories, and blessings that i can look back to. saya!!!
and of course... happy birthday to my bro.
and of course... happy birthday to my bro.
Ten and counting...
Nt even in my wildest dreams have i thought dat id end up living a life i hav now. When u actually look at it, it would seem like a no brainer, i was destined to be blessed. at least thats how i see it.
it was my dear brothers birthday yesterday. D entire family flew in jus for the occasion. My brother of course knew abt it bec my dad cnt keep himself quiet. Although i tried my best to persuade him, tapping on my cunning skill of deception, that we wernt coming he knew. Aside frm the fact that my dad told him, he knew dat we love him so much.
now if im to disect that info id see several items which sums up y i think im so blessed. First, d obvious, nt everyone can fly somewhere anytime they want. Of course i dnt disqualify those billionaires and millionaires out there. Bt who amongst them would bec they wana be wid someone they love and loves them back?
The second item s love. I had so many things to do. For sure, my dad and mom had plenty to do. As a matter of fact we stil hav loads to do wen we get back. Bt love enabled us to set our priorities. Birthdays come every year like clockwork. They do even if we refuse to accept it. Birthdays speak life, a testimony of the journey that was and still too come.
Birthdays would be my third item. forth would be the fact that we were abl to celebrate it. This world s getting treacherous and vicious, it would be foolish to assume there would be a next year. Who knws tom may nt come?
Time was on our side. It was d fifth item. My bro had classes. He wil be a doctor soon bec of determinatn. Bt dat same determinatn made sure that we get to hav time for each other. We all got to do our thing today. And it was jus amazing.
Id say satisfaction s my 6th item. Its hard to satisfy a being thats constantly longing to do more. Humans are innately unsatiable. Contentment s never acheived. Men and women alike yearn for so much more that they fail to see whats really important. Im happy that my family knws our priority - each other. Im glad that we learnd to be satisfied wid the things that we have.
My parents taught and trained as well that we cnt hav everything although they want to give us all. Im grateful for that wisdom, my seventh. I remember when i was around 5 or 6 my folks would usually bring us to sm to, guess what?, window shop. There were plenty of tantrums and pouting over the so many toys we cnt and wil never hav. Bt what they gave us s far more valuable than any toy in the world. Toys get destroyd, lost, or outdated. Bt d wisdom my father and mother passed on to me and my bro would nt jus make us better sons bt also fathers. My dad and mom would usually talk to us, they would point out that if they could buy em, they would, bt the thing s, they cnt.
Communicatn is essential and that is my eigth item. We had a very good talk over dinner, my dad and i. My mom and bro were silent bt their nods indicated we were communicating. I grew up wid a handicap. I for the longest time thought my dad was distant. Last nyt was liberating. I was healed. My dad knew abt my disability and he understood. He never judged me nt even ones. As we talked and conversed he had dat smile, as if he was saying son i knew ud come around. my dad had so much patience and trust that i would soon see things through his eyes. understanding, my ninth item.
We talked for abt 2 hours that we regretfully, our conversatn, rained on my bros parade. Bt my bro understood. He smiled. He was happy, i am certain, that my dad and i can talk openly. The evening was jus wonderful. It was worth evry peso that we paid to italiannis. My tenth item would be d excesses. I am overflowing wid blessings. If i try to write em all down i would probably never stop.
So much s ahead. And i owe it all to my dad, my mom, my bro. My family serves a big God and he sure knws how to spoil. I can jus feel Him saying, ur barely even touching the tip of the iceberg. i never dreamed of the things im enjoying now. I never thought that i would realize how much immaterial things can make u feel so rich.
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Wednesday, June 07, 2006
sick...
I hav been over sleeping again. My head aches and i feel like i want to throw up every after meal. Earlier i swear i felt d entire haws move. Dis symptoms usually comes when u age, bt this time i knw it was more than that.
its been 6 mos since i relocated myself. I hav been busy preparing for my summer events that time past by so fast. Whooosh, its june. Looking back i dnt regret my decision. Ive grown. It wasnt much bt nonetheless im glad. My priorities hav changed. Im putting more and more energy on my work. It doesnt pay as much, i admit, bt der s satisfactn dat ive been longing for sometime now.
I spend most of my time on my cubicle, technically pretending to work. Honestly i can squeeze d bulk of my quota in two days. Bt i stil occupy my corner to show everyone im working. On occasions that im really working i oftentimes ask myself, now what? i was part of a system that fed my vanity bt totally devoid of purpose. Ive struggled so much trying to bal and convince i was living a life that i lost touch of d reason y i was doing wat i was. (i bloggd abt it...Scroll down.) during that time i over slept too. Bt dat was because i had too. Graveyard shifts are a killer.
10 hours of sleep used to be fine with me. 14 hours of sleep was normal for me aftr 3 days of parteeing. Bt lately i knew i was evading something. I had to knw ryt? especially wen i started gaining so much weight. I cnt hardly see my neck. Damn! So 2day i had to address it, face my demon. I am demanding too much. I want things to happen in a snap. I want to change a process so bad that i am recklessly, unknowingly, challenging d organizatn. Yeah i wana do it swiftly. Like hello! No wonder i am failing miserably. Frustrating. Over sleeping. Hahaha.
i had to swallow my pride. Earlier i had to re-evaluate my actions. If i hav to echo our core values(committed, competent, dependable) well, i have to embody them and radiate them inside out. I am faced with so much adversity, i should go on. Its my choice. Its my committment. I hav to refocus. D scope was jus too big. Its spreading me too thinly. I cant be competent if i do so many things at a given time. I cant be dependable if i am loaded beyond functioning. So i conceded. My babybwo told me to reconsider. Now i knw better. Why was i in a hurry anyway?
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Thursday, May 25, 2006
Frustratn
I dread the day he comes. He gives a new meaning to the what my friends and i call one time big time. *i ddnt anticipate the unopurtune arrival of my unforgiving and reckless friend. He surprised me as he always do to unsuspecting bystanders and more destructing to those who stand on his way. I bet if he can given the stimulus would wreck more damage than two or three typhoons combined. His devastatn goes beyond the physical and to make matters worst it affects nt jus those around him bt more destructive to himself.
i saw him eye to eye. He was there ready to curse He that he for several mos hav lived for. I knew then that he was abt ready to, out of his fit, storm out and lash on anyone who dared. I kept my cool and tried to hold back in fear of provoking him. I knew somehow that he s as temperemental as i am. I knew that if i kept my cool longer he myt too as well and delaying d damage.
Bt as i stood there, face to face with this man with his devilish grin and glaring red eyes, i kept silent. I wanted to. I needed to. A part of me wanted to scream and hail things at him bt i
chose otherwise. Aftr a few intense minutes that seemed like hours, i told him and then more quietly and softly to myself i dnt like you.
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Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Thinking...
Peering into the ethereal abyss of what seems to be my subconscious, i grow insanely calm. It reels me in on a nostalgic dejavu-ish current as it draw me past the boundaries where i no longer can tell which is which? I wana break free, turn the other way. I can if i want to. Bt im easily seduced. So here i am circling aimlessly wandering wondering whats next?
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Relaxing...
If only... Was it really sacrifice that tells us the true meaning of love? Is it giving urself so others
can live, have a better life, survive the expression and definition that s behind those three commonly used and misused words - i love u?
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Saturday, May 20, 2006
WakE UP.
Its been so long since i really had time to think. For the past two weeks ive been sleeping like there wouldnt be any tomorrow. Ive been in bed 10-12 hours max. Its probably bec of d nature of my previous job that i am pampering myself wid more than enuf bedtime. Bt deep down i knw i was again evading.
wen i was a kid and jus like any ordinary kid who finds himself in trouble, my bro and i discovered dat to escape discipline (and wid dis i mean a good number of ass whoopin) we need to fall asleep fast or in most cases effectively pretend we were asleep. My brother perfected dat skil. I on the otherhand had to suffer nt bein abl to sit on most occasn. I dnt hav anything on d mode my parents utilized to disciplined us, dnt get me wrong. I think dat my subconscious together wid innate instinct to run away found an easy escape frm wat seems to be a pretty challenging task.
two of the major events i prepared for this summer hav long been done. Now, im faced wid d inevitable follow through. Ders so much to do and so little time. Bt if u think that propeld me to take actn ur wrong. D only actn i took was evade through dreaming. 2nyt though ive come
to terms wid wat needs to be done. This wil nt go away. Il stil get whackd no matter how long i dream of whack-free life. I told myself, "lets get this over and done with!
and so i diggd in on d books i was reading and focusd on things that needed to be done. I
am trying to organize a youth org with a tagline that s Committed. Competent. Dependable. I never in my wildest dream hav seen myself take on such a tedious task of organizing a group. Bt i guess destiny has few supposedly funny tricks up his sleeve. D camp last april, my first event, jump started the entire campaign. Now im preparing for the follow through. Watch out world im awake and out to conquer u. If only i can sleep bec i stil hav to work d entire day tom.
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Wednesday, May 17, 2006
here ya go baby!
“Goldilocks… Something about nina and that happy birthday song on that ad makes me remember. I have seen it several times, sung it a couple of times. Everytime memries of wavzee comes up. Nuthing more bt dat distant memory and nostalgia.”
dada*
QAS/ ORange
Saturday, May 13, 2006
What if i am..???
I hav always knwn that sooner or later il get it. I had a very active life and i knew wat i was doing. yeah, i hav given it much thought, careless thoughts. When i was younger, abt ten year younger, i dreamt of d time wen i get to do things. I wanted to experience life and the things that are out there. Although it didnt really meant life, i went for d experiece of what they call, living. I succeeded in getting my ticket out - college.
i didnt start right away. Bt soon like most kids i found d road to freedom - where most dreams are reduced to nuthing. Yes, it was enticing. It was marvelous. And i enjoyed it. Right then i accepted d risk. It was after all living. What s life without a sprinkle of danger. And i lived it.
ten years hav past, and now i am facing it. Was it worth it? I dnt knw. A decade of living in d edge - sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I knew this day would come. And now its probably pay back time. The news came by like, as always, a shock. Bt at the back of my head it was lurking - d idea. I knew then when my friend wanted to talk to me that it was fatally important. Ah that word, one dat we used so carelessly, never really considered d gravity of its
meaning.
ur probably irritated now by d delay. Bt hang a little longer. It might be worth ur while.
(nah!) i was shocked bt i didnt let it show. I knew my friend knew i would be faking calmness. Bt i surely gave a rather convincing act - i think. Thoughts came crushing, rushing, coliding in my mind. As they go bump...bump... I said, how is he handling it? at that instant i knew i am also asking myself. I am trying to picture myself, myself talking to my parents, myself sick, myself.... As i did i pictured my friend. And finally i said, we should be strong for him.
almost three mos had past since and i havnt given much thought abt it. I hav contemplated abt it abt for weeks aftr a friend told me abt our friends condition. Bt 2nyt i was reminded.
remembering came in a very oppurtune time. Its nt really a surprise bec its only now that i can again think. I hav been busy-distracted. Its funny how being focusd at one thing makes u distracted at another. My friends predicament, and probably my own as well, gave me a new zest for life. It gave me perspective. For months me and my team hav plannd for events, two of which are over. Now im in a juncture where im forced to reevaluate things. And part of dat s my life. What if i dnt hav what i thought i had? What wil happen to the things m doing? Should my energy be refocusd bcoz of certain adversity?
i ask myself over n over again. Am i committed? Wil i be for this cause? Or wil i change my course if i am nt what i think i am? Honestly i am drawn to think. Like when i was 16 i knw this wil nt be easy, things wil be equally hard and testing as i perceive it would. I wil hav to make a decision soon. And whatever d result wil be i hav to gut it out. As of d moment i dnt knw yet. Bt soon id like to be abl to write and say, il do it regardless... What if i am...positive???
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Thursday, May 04, 2006
Scared bt happy
I havnt had d chance to write in a while bec i was swampd wid so many things to do. I hav jus finishd my big event 4 d summer. D camp was a blast. There are several things to improve on bt at d least everything went smoothly. Armina, my co-director, and i surely made a camp to remember 4 our participants.
m now falling n2 a depressn state. Its weird bt natural. Aftr an intense week everything s simmering down. Im now faced wid d urgency to plan or push on wid my next action. Looking back i never, nt even ones, hav thought that things would be dis complicated. I only wanted to organize things. Now i knw its a tedious. I gues this things are meant to be. I only made myself available. I pray that i never overlook or misjudge things bec of my zeal and burden.
on d lighter side of things, i am happy to be of service to those that are ready and available like myself. I may hav found my one-thing as my dad would put it. Tonight though i feel off. I am scared. Am glad though bec m doing something dat s bigger than myself...
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D boy dats smiling...
My babybwo s here visiting and im sleeping wid my mom. My dad s in d states or probably floating over d pacific ocean on route back home. (wait a minute, s it pacific or d atlantic...Wah u probably get my drift.) seems odd for a 26 year old dude to be n my predicament nonetheless im enjoying every moment. She, working on some accounting and me lyin on d floor sick bt happy. Not many 26 year olds get to spend time wid der moms and enjoy it. Now m smiling like d picture hanging on the wall. In a lot of ways i resembled dat kid, smiling... Knowing deep down my mom s within reach. Love u ma.
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Saturday, April 15, 2006
Closer Revisited: inner assessment!
I hav masterd this road which lies ahead. A road that i hav gotten used to threading and even in the dark have with ease manage to pass. I knw d creatures dat hide in d alleys of this dark and dreary stretch. I have in my wanderings and visits have come across all of them. They dnt scare me anymore. Although i feel a sting, one dat s frm within. Tonight i braved myself and ventured to d empty streets of my past. And yes i saw them, they that remind me of man's nature and d inevitable. It doesnt hurt anymore. Bt true, it stings me. D nagging truth...D question, "did u ever love me?"
i watched closer again tonight and i revisited feelings that some would gladly and more than willingly lock away inside deep in their hearts. Those pain do ease in time. And soon it heals. Then it becomes a distant memory. And as time bcomes gracious it slowly fades away. I am nt like most. I dnt lock my feelings away. Its painful at times, yes. Bt pain lets me knw i am alive. It reminds me to stay on guard. It keeps me safe.
i admit i was worried of becoming jaded, one which s incapable of trusting again. I dread turning out to be a bitter person. I hav for some time. I am nt ashamed. Who wouldnt? If u have...Suffered that which i have.
my blog and journals can testify to d extent of what i hav suffered. True, most of it wer self inflicted. I am no saint. I do such so as nt to forget and in d process cause pain. A handful of people hav suffered in d past bec i tried to remedy and find absolution to what was done. Bt it was done and wil be regardless. I am sorry. I knw people are sorry too. Well, at least id like to think they are. Id like to think that people, like me, struggle to get what they need and want. In d process u change preference and bingo a soul s wounded. It keeps me sane thinking dat way. Bt walking in this path made me see things diffly. Sadly, some are nt quite as i expected them to be. Yet, i remain hopeful that we'll see eye to eye. Soon... aybe...
one thing surprised me as i thread this lonely road. I love my misery. I cradle it like a baby that yearns 4 attention. I feed it wid emotions dat drains me. Bt id like to think that it empowers me more than anyone would understand. It keeps me frm doing what s easy to do. Lestat in his anger and misery turns anyone. He turns anyone for companionship. I dnt like to pass d dark gift to anyone. I on d other hand refuse to succomb to what is an acceptable nature and thrive doing otherwise. My gift wil keep me frm doing so. D emptyness wil stop wid me. It wil linger, oh yes it wil, bt only within me and in outburst of emotions that i let out as i write.
i wil continue to walk this road ahead of me, visit it if i need to. It may be out of necessity or by chance, this wanderings. Bt i dare nt want a companion. You who share my world only get a glimpse of it as i allow u. Its no more of a narration of what i may hav in a day journeyd more than ones. I do bec... Its d closest u get to knowing d what s insyd.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
DisclaimeR
I hav nt live an impressively admirable life. I have done things in the past that im not proud of. Its my choice and its but right that i dont regret it. So far i am not. Although Time might prove me wrong... And at the same time vindicating those that went b4 me. One things 4 sure. I had a grand time...
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Mamas Boy...
I hav been trying to post an entry since d sweetest goodbye. bt my gus2 to diminishd. 2day i dnt really hav anything to say jus a narrative of wat transpired during d day. It wil be a bookmark that wil testify to a wonderful evening.
*today, opps...yestday, was a double special day. I jus had to come back home in time for d celebration. Bt b4 dat allow me to go back to d 31st of may so as to journal what had happend. Its fun to read abt special moments and reminisce so let me immortalize d past week.
*i arrive in manila around 1045 march31. I phoned a friend to piss her off by tellin her dat i cnt make it. Make it to what? Wat else bt d tiesto event. As far as i can remember, goodluck to my memory aftr years of parteeing, i hav always liked tiesto. His music energizes me while wiskin me away to a peaceful yet otherworldly place. I wil move heaven and earth jus to attend. (exagge nanaman me) well, atleast dats how i felt. I txtd dada letting her knw dat i hav arrived. She was as excited as i was bec aside frm d fact dat we get to dance d nyt away, we can hangout again. Both of us think and come to terms wid the idea that we hav gone past d stage wer we hang on to d nyt and partee like crazy as if tom wil never come. And as a testament to that we even bookd a trip to galera to enjoy d residual trip while chillin under d sun wid d sea soothing us as it kiss d shore. We hav pland 4 dis and wer dying wid anticipatn. Its an all natural high.
*of course i hav to spend time wid mah bro first. Its been a while too since we last hangout together. Moving back to d province meant that i get to spend less time wid mah bro. It was sad bt d month dat we were apart seemd unreal bec we txt d night away and thanks to 10-10, pldts 10 peso long distance service, we get to catch up conviniently everynight. I woke my brother up by making noise in his room. God knws he hates it wen i do dat esp wen i tell him dat i am nt always home so he must wake up. Bt i knw my bro missd me bcoz ten mins aftr he roused himself and naggd abt me nt bringing any chicken inato, a favorite fud back home. I spent d entire aftrnun wid him. We went to makati to eat, watch a movie, shop, and hoarding briefs. Wel, if ur living in a remote area, u would understand y. I bought abt ten pairs of undergarments. Around ten pm we went home.
*i met dada at d picc grounds around 1230. The energy was unmistakenably contagious.
Hearing the thumping and bumpin sounds was too good to be true. I waited 4 dis for a month and its finally here. Of course dada was gorgeous dat nyt. Shie, richard, dhazzle, and some other friends were there. I saw more than a dozen friends which added to may already natural high high. We were able to get in a lil past one bt d GVness is too much to handle. While i was in line to hoard h2n tiesto played empty streets. At this time i jus was overwhelmed by happiness with or without.... I only had a chance to see tiesto d rest of d nyt i spent dancing and walking. It was an ultimate GV. Its like d first time. Wah... I knew people who would kill 4 what i had dat nyt. It was a complete nyt. Tiesto was playing and dada and shie was wid me. It was some nyt to remember.
earlier tonight was nt tiesto bt d energy level was jus d same. Its a special day. It was my moms bday. And it was also my parents wed anniv. There wer preparation left and right. And to top it off i had two events coming up 4 d week. It was a gloriously chaotic. Thank God i was nt d organizer bec i wnt be able to make it as special wid all the things i hav to do. Bt suffice to say mitch, who s my friend, did an excellent job. He asked me to make a speech which i was reluctant to do. Bt wen the time came i knew wid certainty what i had to say. I love my mom so much that it jolted me to take action n my decaying lifestyle. I knw it wen i saw her cry. Although then i was passively delinquent a small rock started to unravel my tower of pride. I knw then that my love and her love would carry me home. I love my mom and im nt afraid to say that i am a mamas boy. Her love has kept me whole. Her love has kept me safe. Her love brought me home. I jus wish i can equal that... Love u mama... I hav written u d moon, i gave it to u years ago. Bt its meaning makes sense now more than ever. Ur love kept me...I love u. (i have to find dat poem!)
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Monday, March 27, 2006
Sweetest thing... Sweetest Goodbye
Around this time a year ago, i arrived frm galera tired bt wid anticipatn. As i went down d bus i was calculating in my mind how d next 24 hours would go.
abt a month b4 dat i solicited two of my girlfriends help. I wanted to pull a gesture that s by far, and to date, d sweetest that i hav done. Of course that s next to writing d most beautiful poem one can write in abt ten minutes. (woah...Talk about self gratificatn.) The plan was to send flowers, bouquets, at random. And to create a dramatic effect d total number of flower setting was 28th to match nt jaus d date bt also d age.
i was suppose to wake up at around 4am bt bec i was tired and i had an unexpectd visit by, then a favored person, i had to make adjustments. It was jus ok bec my accomplices were both on duty dat same nyt. It was a wonderful nyt to sum it. I was at a crossroads. I was wid someone that myt define my future as im abt to give my final gesture of love to a lost one. That night i felt odd as i wrapd my arms around dat sweet face i hav lyin asleep next to me. I knew then that i would hav a renewd reason to smile everyday. I may hav accepted defeat and wid a blast say my farewell, one last time, bt somehow n my arms lies hope. Sadly, a few months aftr i had to let go again. Bt dis time it wasnt as hard...
dada, shie, and igo arrived b4 lunch time. I met them at the same time bought lunch. They were intrigued on d news of who was sleeping soundly in my bed. That time i cant convince them that im happy nt jus bec of d visitor, bt bec its d day.
I pland 4 this day in my mind often enough that d prospect of something between dat special person in my room and seemd distant and unimportant. D day was 4 all about my lost...my defeat. I always had d flare 4 d dramatics that i decided to bid my farewell wid a gesture that exceeded anything that i have done for this person while were stil together. It was deserved. Defeated my love maybe, bt i dnt see the point of ending it widout making a statement. I want the world to see and knw dat someone would go to great lenghts jus to prove a testament to love, my love.
we arrived at dangwa to look 4 a vendor that would give us d best bouquets around 4pm. There were flowers every where. My dream s materializing. D idea dawnd on me aftr seing big fish, wer ewan mcgregor proposed by covering a lawn of daisies to d girl of his dreams. I thought i should do it to win back my lost love. Bt d more i thought abt it d more it bcame clear, Loving means wanting wat makes d other person happy. I hav to let it go. I also realized dat due to d nature of my work i wasnt abl to do anything out of d ordinary to celebrate what we had b4 it turnd sour. I plannd to go out of town for three days bt b4 i was able to execute it. D line was drawn. It had ended. So i thought flowers wud be gud to celebrate life, love, and moving on. It was d only gift i can give. Freedom.
d plan took an unexpectd turn when i learnd dat an early off took place. How can i overlook dat possibility? Thanks to my friends we were able to recruit an ofismates assistance. D new plan was to deliver the flowers to d office that nyt. It was a challenge, getting someone frm d inside to help us. And transporting that much flowers was a feat i failed to calculate. Bt we were able to pull it off. Thanks again to dada, shineth, and igo. We arrived in makati around 8ish. I had to beg the guard to let us in otherwise all efforts wer useless. Aftr d convincing sychronized acts of dada and shie we were finally in frnt of d office. We carefully positioned all d flowers and prepared to leave. Bt b4 we left Shie took my perfume and sprayed her heart away. I ddnt leave a note or anything dat indicatd it was frm me. I knew dat credits myt go to d current boyfriend bt i couldnt careless. For me i have done my part. My goodbye.
Around a year ago i said my goodbye to a love that i held on to 4 so long. Im sori it had to end. Bt all things even beautiful things come to an end. I knw dat and hav acceptd dat. Bt this time let me tel you, happy birthday. Oh, I wanted so much to let u knw things brewing on my mind. Bt it wouldnt help. Things hav changed. Although one thing remains d same, its ur day and i wish u d best that this world can offer...Happy birthday tani!!!
abt a month b4 dat i solicited two of my girlfriends help. I wanted to pull a gesture that s by far, and to date, d sweetest that i hav done. Of course that s next to writing d most beautiful poem one can write in abt ten minutes. (woah...Talk about self gratificatn.) The plan was to send flowers, bouquets, at random. And to create a dramatic effect d total number of flower setting was 28th to match nt jaus d date bt also d age.
.2.jpg)
i was suppose to wake up at around 4am bt bec i was tired and i had an unexpectd visit by, then a favored person, i had to make adjustments. It was jus ok bec my accomplices were both on duty dat same nyt. It was a wonderful nyt to sum it. I was at a crossroads. I was wid someone that myt define my future as im abt to give my final gesture of love to a lost one. That night i felt odd as i wrapd my arms around dat sweet face i hav lyin asleep next to me. I knew then that i would hav a renewd reason to smile everyday. I may hav accepted defeat and wid a blast say my farewell, one last time, bt somehow n my arms lies hope. Sadly, a few months aftr i had to let go again. Bt dis time it wasnt as hard...dada, shie, and igo arrived b4 lunch time. I met them at the same time bought lunch. They were intrigued on d news of who was sleeping soundly in my bed. That time i cant convince them that im happy nt jus bec of d visitor, bt bec its d day.
.0.jpg)
I pland 4 this day in my mind often enough that d prospect of something between dat special person in my room and seemd distant and unimportant. D day was 4 all about my lost...my defeat. I always had d flare 4 d dramatics that i decided to bid my farewell wid a gesture that exceeded anything that i have done for this person while were stil together. It was deserved. Defeated my love maybe, bt i dnt see the point of ending it widout making a statement. I want the world to see and knw dat someone would go to great lenghts jus to prove a testament to love, my love. .1.jpg)
we arrived at dangwa to look 4 a vendor that would give us d best bouquets around 4pm. There were flowers every where. My dream s materializing. D idea dawnd on me aftr seing big fish, wer ewan mcgregor proposed by covering a lawn of daisies to d girl of his dreams. I thought i should do it to win back my lost love. Bt d more i thought abt it d more it bcame clear, Loving means wanting wat makes d other person happy. I hav to let it go. I also realized dat due to d nature of my work i wasnt abl to do anything out of d ordinary to celebrate what we had b4 it turnd sour. I plannd to go out of town for three days bt b4 i was able to execute it. D line was drawn. It had ended. So i thought flowers wud be gud to celebrate life, love, and moving on. It was d only gift i can give. Freedom..0.jpg)
d plan took an unexpectd turn when i learnd dat an early off took place. How can i overlook dat possibility? Thanks to my friends we were able to recruit an ofismates assistance. D new plan was to deliver the flowers to d office that nyt. It was a challenge, getting someone frm d inside to help us. And transporting that much flowers was a feat i failed to calculate. Bt we were able to pull it off. Thanks again to dada, shineth, and igo. We arrived in makati around 8ish. I had to beg the guard to let us in otherwise all efforts wer useless. Aftr d convincing sychronized acts of dada and shie we were finally in frnt of d office. We carefully positioned all d flowers and prepared to leave. Bt b4 we left Shie took my perfume and sprayed her heart away. I ddnt leave a note or anything dat indicatd it was frm me. I knew dat credits myt go to d current boyfriend bt i couldnt careless. For me i have done my part. My goodbye..jpg)
Around a year ago i said my goodbye to a love that i held on to 4 so long. Im sori it had to end. Bt all things even beautiful things come to an end. I knw dat and hav acceptd dat. Bt this time let me tel you, happy birthday. Oh, I wanted so much to let u knw things brewing on my mind. Bt it wouldnt help. Things hav changed. Although one thing remains d same, its ur day and i wish u d best that this world can offer...Happy birthday tani!!!__________________________________________________
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Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Unplugged: Living
Jus wen i was abt to doze off, a though breezed in. An nteresting reading of d movie matrix, one that i havnt rili considerd. I hav thought dat d movie was purely philosophical. Bt 2nyt i change my mind.
i was txting friends and sending pictures. (of course they were mine. Im a full blown cam whore, suffering frm minor self absoption and acute narcissistic tendencies.) in a way i was keeping tabs wid old friends. I never thought dat dis day wil come. somehow, much to my displeasure, i missed my old work. Wel, nt until i realize later that its mostly my friends. And also d fact i am trying to drive at.
d world is perfect. Bt beneath d façade of a almost ideal society lies a greater rotten reality. Humans are no longer living in freedom and free will rather they are reduced to living energizer. Wer engineerd to supply power for d system dat fascilitates d warm and sunny reality that breaths life and reason to a living
being. Bt its all in d head.
one awakes in dat reality. A reality dat seems ideal and peaceful. One gets accustomed to it and believes it. Bt d sad truth is everything s a lie. *i was abt to feel bad worrying abt sleep, being dat most of my peers and those that ive come to love as friends, wen it dawnd on me. Y should i feel bad abt living? Y should i be downcast by nt being able to buy everything dat i want? Y should i be sad dat i dnt hav money?
true, life would be a lot easier wid money. Bt i havnt been short of dat. Yes, i dnt hav too much to spare let alone bt m surviving. In an ideal world a guy like me should be making big bucks. I have. I used to. Bt wid dat came d need to work like everyone else. Yeah i had money to spend. Bt d money im earning i used to buy l living. I had to make myself feel alive.
my usual past time s to sit at starbucks and watch people. Id spend abt 500 bucks on drinks and pastry. I oftentimes watch a movie or two. In a week id watch 2 or 3 movies. And most of d time id repeat a movie or two more than twice. On weekends, my day offs, id partee all nyt. Id club all d free time i hav. 3thousand was easy money. Other free time was spent doing other things that is necessary to feel alive. My mantra then was bakit, pinagtrabahuan ko naman to eh. (damn! I have evrey ryt to spend, i workd my ass off everynyt)
i was working to live. I was plugd in to d matrix. I was working because i needed to live. And my virtual reality was d money. I can exist bcoz i hav money to spend. Little did i knw m nt. I was trying to buy my own life. I was trying to make myself feel m living. Bt i was nt.
i hav detachd myself frm d matrix and i am happy. I dnt live a life of luxury bt at d least i am living. I can do wat i really want and nt want wat i am doing. I dnt hav to buy myself peace, happiness, and satisfaction. Getting used to it s hard. D real world s far frm d façade everyone else sees. Bt its still real. Like it or not, it is. Yeah, Its hard. bt who said living was easy?
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SMS another
My babybwo sent me an sms msg. m stil negotiatn if id believe or nt. Bt 4 sure ive felt everything on it... Here goes:
TRUE MEANING OF LOVE..
if its bc0z of his eYeS
or his LiPs or his great
b0dy its n0t LoVe..
its LUST..
if its bc0z of his
iNteLiGeNce or iNsiGhT
b0ut life, its n0t LoVe..
iTz ADMIRATION..
if its bc0z he cRiEs evrytym u try 2 leave
its n0t LoVe..
its PITY..
if its bc0z he makes u 4get 2 study and sleep
its n0t LoVe..
its INFATUATION..
Love is when
y0u d0 n0t
knw y u sim 2 b
attractd 2 a pers0n..
Love has its ris0n..
And dat
ris0n is UNKN0WN
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Tuesday, March 07, 2006
...a thought!
Sleep s again evading me. One thought b4 i try again at what seems to be a useless attemp to sleep, u really wouldnt knw true d value of something until uve lost it. There! Here goes. I hope. Please!!!
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Too soon to tell...
My dad talked to me a few days ago. He said, "son, u must be able to discover ur something." he couldnt hav chosen a better time to say dat. Bcoz admittedly a few weeks back i was mulling on having no real reason 4 living.
i hav a huge weight on my shoulder. I hav written abt it n my past blogs. While i was on d shower earlier it hit me, im too vague. Yeah, i have. I chose to speak in parables as if its a new fad. I realized i hav bcoz im keeping myself frm becoming too vulnerable. Bt d recent realizatn dat i hav lived a careless and reckless life and dat something inevitable would happen jolted me to take action, wah! there i go again...
ive been doin some minor involvement in a youth org lately and reading books. Maybe jus maybe... Ive found my something...
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Sunday, March 05, 2006
mga kaaway...
Im a loser 4 loving u / Yeah sel, il see u, kiesha, mischka, and if i must, even baldo. / i miss u still / kita kitz tau pagbalik ko dyan... / i dnt think i can see u though / kung meron nga ako nun eh di meron / things are changed dramatically / sel, nakadalawa kana. Ako wala pa... / even if i hope against hope ill be only wasting my time. / sana akin nlang si keisha. / i hope i can have one dat is my own / natatakot ako sa pede kong malaman! / bt i hav to accept d fact that / kailangan kong lakasan loob ko. / i need to 4get everything abt u / kailangang matanggap ko / i need to forget that i was happy / kailangang kayanin / i will / natatakot ako!!! / i might fail again. / pero kailangan. / i must!!!
nuthin more... jus sad.
Its sad when u come to full realizatn dat things u dream and subconsciouly wish 4 wil never come true. Der s nuthing wrong n wishing. Neither s der nuthing wrong wid dreaming. Bt wen dreaming and wishing prevents u frm living, then ur in serious trouble.
i was on my way home. It was morning. I had a hectic nyt and i was tired. Bt d thought of some1 s waiting was keeping me up. I was energized. I took d same route dat i always do 4 d last 9 mos. D fx ride frm reposo to d lrt, and frm there a jeepney ride home. Sometimes i take an fx home bt dis time it was a jeepney. I was almost home. I now walking frm quiapo to our st. I am smiling. I turned around at d silver gate. I am smiling while i took d keys out of my pocket and fit it on d keyhole. I opened d door silently as i crept in. I tiptoed up d stairs and into
my room. Then puff... i woke up.
ive had so many episodes of dat dream. God knws how many times i forced myself into, dreaming, seing what i wanted to. Countless times i daydream and wish d impossible, bt countless times too, i wake myself to reality. In me lies a mechanism that knws wen to stop pretending. I never fully accept d obvious truth bt a part of me hav. A part of me s keeping me frm going on.
i told myself dat its enuf. I hav convinced most of my friends dat ive stopd. I hav in essence. Bt n truth m addicted to it. I may be able to fool many bt d closest of my friends knew. I hav let them n a place wer dey can see past my façade of a rality. They knew. Good thing they're only few. In times like these they would nt scorn me wid "i told u so" bt jus stay quiet wid me staring at nothing. I appreciate them. They kept me safe.
now, im alone. Maybe bcoz i listend to dat stil small voice. I dnt hold grudge bcoz at d most he, dat part of me dat s making d most sense, kept me safe too. Yeah, m far frm everything dat ive love. I hav distanced myself safely frm d reality dat i held for too long. I am alone. Bt nt really all alone. I hav dat inner peace. One i hav lost trying to chase an impossible dream - a fleeting and dying memory.
lets say i lost it. Nt d dream, i lost something of greater value - self respect. I hav thrown so much on d line 4 living dat dream. I may even hav cost my own destructn in violent and careless remedy of d psuedo emptiness dat i had. Bt ive regained perspective. Yes, i may be on a downward slope. Bt even dat means its nt yet d end. There s stil so much to do and so much dat i can do.
its sad to look back and see that things will never be nt bcoz it cant bt bcoz it can. It can happen dat one loses d passion... It can happen dat one can wake up frm a dream... It can happen dat one regains self respect... It can happen dat one can overcome. Its sad when it happens, a realizatn dat rouses u to take action, to stand after a fall, to walk on, and to wake frm a dream and realize dat dreams although sweet and sugarcoated s still a dream...One dat everyone needs to wake frm and live.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Smart GPRS
Define irritated!?! Ive jus finishd an enlightening entry abt my current predicament and i accidentali erased it. Its 14msgs. (i write my entries through my cell.)
I have been using my phone to write my entries since i came back home. Its not as good as my personal pc but its the next best thing. Im happy that even though i dont have dsl connection i can post my entries through smarts gprs. So i have been blogging using yahoomail... Ah, thank God for technology!!! Hurrah!
going back to my recent entry i was talking about an oppurtunity to grow from an experience at work. I made a decision not to pick on her immaturity but become d bigger man. This island is slowly changing me... Interesting...
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Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Jlaj
Its ur bday and m celebrating it... I miss u...
Tenkyu... And till we meet again. Cheers to my
favorite person n d whole world. D best kiss ever.
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Saturday, February 25, 2006
Fairytales, nonendingtales, unendingtales
its funny how things dnt work out... Its funny wen dey do. i knw i heard dat line frm a movie i jus cnt name it. Bt its true. Wen uve given urself enuf distance, a safe distance, frm d situatn, things rili hav a way of
turning out humorous.
Things are so nt nsync right nw. Well, at least nt frm my perspective. Everything s
working bt nt as it should. Its like d world been turned upside down. Bt i guess nothing s rili finishd nt until uve given out that last breath. Accepting and digesting dat concept s nt as pleasant as it seem. Wid dat, a happy ever aftr s rili nt true. Nt unless they fall n2 deep sleep and freeze again until d spell s
broken a new. By whom? Remains to be seen.
happy endings shouldnt be phrased and they live happily everaftr. given a chance d story s told to its end i bet no fairytale wud be really happy. Come to think of it, no take would make children sleep except d brutal fact of life dat everything ends up n misery. Wid dat i think nfants would rather choke themselves to death wid their pacifier than live another day knwing 4 sure and wid increasing awareness dat life s miserable. I gues dats y such tales end up wid d phrase and they live happily ever after.
n essence d phrase s true bec if d couple did separate as is d customary to our
moderntale deyd be happy or at least one would be. Bt if d story doesnt end der chances are d grieving half would hav move on. Nt unless he or she kills himself or herself and enlisting as a member of those dat died 4 love, both would stil attain a level of happines.
then we go back to d phrase. They did both live happily ever after. It didnt say 2geder did it? Or if dey wrote it as and they lived happily ever after..., that meant only dat they did for dat episode and dat a new chapter s ahead. Bt y m i bothering anyway? As long as both get what they long 4.
things are diff far to diff frm d way i saw it wud be. Yes its bound to be i myt consider, bt i ddnt expect it to be dis diff. My world s shrinking all around me. Its boundaries are all messd up. I gues i did it to myself. I spread myself all to thinly. Or its their fault. Bt like fairytales its nt yet over. Im hopeful as d ending of d tale. at d same time i knw dat things wil be ok. Bec life s nt yet over. So il jus smile and humor myself 4 d things that workd out and esp to those that didnt. Looking ahead i knw it will too...
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Fading mental health
Wats my worth? Wen i die will people remember me or Wil my memory be lost in time? Im dying ryt now and i can feel myself fading away.
i rili wanted to blog abt another topic. bt aftr thinking abt it a second time i surrenderd to d better half of me that made sense. After all it hasnt failed me yet. I ask wats my worth nt bec i dnt hav a sense of worth. I hav self esteem and self worth some people would be tempted to coin narcissistic. I wana be clear wid dat. D worth dat m referin to, i hate to be to explicit bt jus to avoid misunderstanding, s one dat reside nt n myself bt in those that i surround myself with. My bro, my ever loving and understanding brother, paged me last nyt telling me to be sure wid wat m doing bec people count on me. He asked me nt to fail those dat have faith in me and are relyin n me.
i brushed off his msg wid a casual nyerkz, at cno naman umaasa sa akin? (yeah ryt, and who would those be?) it took me abt 24 hours and something more to realize d nfluence i hav on those around me. I admit dat n d weeks dat ive reconciled myself to stay wid my parents, i hav made myself visible and to my utter amazement productive. In fact, so productive dat people are noticing. Some are thrilled, few are relieved, and a handful knew dat i jus nided time.
i cnt deny dat i have been roused into something dat i liked doing. It was coming frm my very core. Its like i was born to do it. Its nt clear as to how im to do things bt d passion s there. And so far all dat ive been doing s to keep d momentum going. Things are doing good. I should be happy...I should be.
Bt m nt. Bec it dawnd on me dat as my presence s felt here, even more than i was ntending to, i am losing it somewhere else. When i look at dat facet of my life i suddenly feel weak. Yeah, i reconciled it to myself dat i cnt be in two place at one (bt if i can id be more than willing to try.) ive acceptd d fact dat as i grow rooted here, il be nothing bt a memory elsewhere. Soon m gona be reduced to nothing. Memories are ndespensable.
i wrote long time ago abt a friend who died. We were n grade 3 then. One nyt i rememberd him. I wonderd who else among his friends remember him. It took a song 4 me to remember. Songs and scents lend me pockets of memory that burst everytime i listen to them. Dat night i knew wat wil happen to me. Its inevitable. People fade. And i am accepting dat.
bt fading s nt d issue. f fading was d issue i dnt hav problems wid it. Der are a handful of ways to be imortal and if u browse through my entries i hav made mention of few dat i hav discoverd and believed in. Note, At dis point its safe to assume dat i mentally unstable and conflicting. If i fade then its nt impossible 4 replacment. Memories are matter. Matter takes up space. Wen u fade u free a space... Wats my worth? Wen i die will people remember me or Wil my memory be lost in time? Im dying ryt now and i can feel myself fading away.
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Monday, February 20, 2006
gloating and thinking...
Yesterday i learned something very nteresting abt myself bt in reality i was enjoying vindicatn. Mean Koh? Bt I cnt help savoring d moment as if its completing me, making me whole. It feels as if a thorn is being plucked out off my chest. Its almost sweet. I can taste it on my lips.
A few blogs back i was rambling abt death and finding d reason to live. I think i hav. Evrything s diff now. They hav a new meaning and an inviting glow. I hav never explored life in dis perspective. I hav nt tried peeking n dis frame of thought b4 let alone live to tell abt it. 1 bec i never really come to a point wer in m forced to see it until a few weeks ago. 2 bec it seems to telenovela-ish and melodramatic 4 my palette. Bt mostly bec 3, its plain pathetic. If nt 4 d recent turn of events i wouldnt even be bloggin abt this. Wel it was until i was suddenly shaken to my very core. Aftr abt 8 years of reckless living its bound to happen. Who was i foolish? No one. so i was forced to see things differently.
earlier my dad called me 4 dinner. I was thinking of skippin it. I told myself uve gained to much weight, its bout time to consider moderating it. then i realize, not so many get to enjoy a hearty dinner wid both of their parents. Not so many out der hav good relationship wid their folks and at d same time have time to eat together. Dat small flickering thought floated through my selfish self and no sooner than i realize i was headin to our dinner table. While eating my dad and i shared jokes and laughd. My mom joined in while she ate her dietary allowance of fiber frm d veggies prepared by my cuz. Evry now and then we would make a comment abt d koreanovela punctuated by "ye chona." we had a blast at d dinner table. M glad dat i ate. Aftr all il always hav time to diet. Times like that are gold. They are rare and very special.
M glad i hav dat rude awakening a few weeks back. Dinner was amazing bcoz of dat. Actually my stay here s now more tolerable. Ah, lemme change that, its more beautiful and meaningful. things may have been difficult 4 me 4 d past few years bt slowly things are getting their color back. All around me colors are getting vivid. A new season has arrived and i hav vowed to make evry minute of it last 4ever, crystalizd n my mind and in my heart.
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Saturday, February 18, 2006
S L O... W!
Some people learn fast. (But) some people learn slower than most. I never thought in my wildest dream that in a way am a slow learner. If m nt slow i hate to admit it, let alone say it out loud, dat ive been stubborn.
yes, i hav! F nt 4 a friend's passion to try things out, dropping dat which hinders him, and pursuing wat s needed to attain self satisfactn and growth, i would hav lingerd longer, meandering aimlessly, seeking, hoping, and wanting nothing but the impossible. I took my queu frm him. Aftr all its already getting boring - doing d things that i hav.
its a humbling experience. Being the one dat needed help was not that which i fancied the most. Bt i did nided fishing out. I was drowning in d problems dat i have spawnd. I nided to get out of things and be free frm the entangled mess i hav made and gotten myself into in my attempts to make an existence out of a shadow of d past. I jus had to see it. Stubborn...stubborn...stubborn!
some people are indeed stubborn. U jus cant convince them to do things differently. I was amazed on how hard my head was to break. I was so deep nto trance that no matter how many told me i was wrong i was nt swayed! Even though some of those who dissuaded me spoke frm years of experience and earned wisdom. I was a tough nut to
break.
Bt i think wer all tough nuts one way or the other especially if we really need to learn something. Even if caring, loving people try to prevent u frm getting hurt, curiosity gets d best of us. And wen i say us i mean those that share my passion 4 learning frm their mistake. Nt all hav this adventurous gus2 4 life. Nt all hav knicks 4 staying firm wid wat they believe in til they get hit on d head. I remember wen i was young my mom told me nt to touch d iron bec its hot. Guess what i did? I touched the base of the iron. There i learned and to this day dared nt touch it again. I learned my lesson dat day and it seems like m learning another thing today, jus like my friend.
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Thursday, February 16, 2006
Interesting read... I wonder if it applies to PLUs
[Sent by Yahoo! Mobile.]
Subject: tampo
WHAT IS "TAMPO" If you're planning to enter into a relationship with aFilipina, it's important to gain an understanding of what "tampo" is.
Let's do this in a clinical fashion...
Definition: While the analogy isn't perfect, you can think of tampo as "pouting" or"sulking".
Cause: Typically, a Filipina will exhibit tampo when she feels she has been neglected or ignored, but she may also invoke it when she is jealous, orbasically anytime her feelings are hurt.
Symptoms:The Filipina will seem withdrawn or sullen. She may be unusually silent, orshe may express her dissatisfaction by "whining" in a melodramatic, almost child-like fashion. She may refuse to eat only in the most severe cases!).
Duration and Severity of Condition:Tampo is a strictly short-term condition and should not be considered lifethreatening. Tampo is the result of mild dissatisfaction, not of actual anger.The behavior is a cultural norm in the Philippines. Tampo is a veryuseful tool, because it allows a Filipina to show her displeasure aboutsomething you have done. Remember, confrontation is generally unacceptable in a Filipino society, so disagreement or displeasure must be expressedindirectly.
Here is an example of tampo: You're with your fiancee walking hand-in-hand down a crowded street. Younotice a beautiful young woman walking toward you wearing a tank top that's cut way too low, and you can't tear your eyes away from her. Your fianceenotices this behavior. A non-Filipina might react by saying, "Put your eyesback in your head! I can' t believe you were staring at that girl right in front of me! What has she got that I haven't got!?" At which point she maystalk off, cry, or punch you.
A Filipina in that same situation, however, would probably squeeze your handand say something like, "She's pretty, 'no?" Then you'd stammer something about not noticing, blah, blah, blah, and you'd think you'd gotten away withit. Yet your fiancee would seem suddenly distant. She would not profer herhand to you as you walk together, she'd speak only when spoken to, and she'd probably shrug indifferently when you ask her a question.
You're on the receiving end of tampo. It's very important that youunderstand this: Tampo is merely intended to let you know that you'vecommitted some minor offense, for which you must make amends. It is a mild behavioral reprimand that verges on role-playing. The worst thing you coulddo is to get stressed out over a tampo session, because an over-reaction onyour part may escalate the situation to the point that your fiancee or wife becomes genuinely angry. On the other hand, don't misdiagnose genuineanger, sadness, or depression as mere tampo.
If your girlfriend, fiancee or wife seems deeply depressed, that is NOT tampo. If she's crying hysterically, that is NOT tampo. If she's hurling dishes at you, that is NOT tampo. Tampo is mild and controlled and is thedirect result of some perceived offense of a minor nature. It is short induration. If an emotional abnormality seems unusually severe or extended in duration, and you cannot identify the cause, it is not tampo, andconsequently deserves serious attention.
Thanks,
Marie Brandy A. Quinones
Quality Assurance Analyst
TXU-CGE Rangers
Ambergris Solutions Inc
31F Discovery Center
25 ADB Ave Ortigas
Pasig 1605 Phils
msn:brandyquinones@hotmail.com
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