Its ur bday and m celebrating it... I miss u...
Tenkyu... And till we meet again. Cheers to my
favorite person n d whole world. D best kiss ever.
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its funny how things dnt work out... Its funny wen dey do. i knw i heard dat line frm a movie i jus cnt name it. Bt its true. Wen uve given urself enuf distance, a safe distance, frm d situatn, things rili hav a way of
turning out humorous.
Things are so nt nsync right nw. Well, at least nt frm my perspective. Everything s
working bt nt as it should. Its like d world been turned upside down. Bt i guess nothing s rili finishd nt until uve given out that last breath. Accepting and digesting dat concept s nt as pleasant as it seem. Wid dat, a happy ever aftr s rili nt true. Nt unless they fall n2 deep sleep and freeze again until d spell s
broken a new. By whom? Remains to be seen.
happy endings shouldnt be phrased and they live happily everaftr. given a chance d story s told to its end i bet no fairytale wud be really happy. Come to think of it, no take would make children sleep except d brutal fact of life dat everything ends up n misery. Wid dat i think nfants would rather choke themselves to death wid their pacifier than live another day knwing 4 sure and wid increasing awareness dat life s miserable. I gues dats y such tales end up wid d phrase and they live happily ever after.
n essence d phrase s true bec if d couple did separate as is d customary to our
moderntale deyd be happy or at least one would be. Bt if d story doesnt end der chances are d grieving half would hav move on. Nt unless he or she kills himself or herself and enlisting as a member of those dat died 4 love, both would stil attain a level of happines.
then we go back to d phrase. They did both live happily ever after. It didnt say 2geder did it? Or if dey wrote it as and they lived happily ever after..., that meant only dat they did for dat episode and dat a new chapter s ahead. Bt y m i bothering anyway? As long as both get what they long 4.
things are diff far to diff frm d way i saw it wud be. Yes its bound to be i myt consider, bt i ddnt expect it to be dis diff. My world s shrinking all around me. Its boundaries are all messd up. I gues i did it to myself. I spread myself all to thinly. Or its their fault. Bt like fairytales its nt yet over. Im hopeful as d ending of d tale. at d same time i knw dat things wil be ok. Bec life s nt yet over. So il jus smile and humor myself 4 d things that workd out and esp to those that didnt. Looking ahead i knw it will too...
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Wats my worth? Wen i die will people remember me or Wil my memory be lost in time? Im dying ryt now and i can feel myself fading away.
i rili wanted to blog abt another topic. bt aftr thinking abt it a second time i surrenderd to d better half of me that made sense. After all it hasnt failed me yet. I ask wats my worth nt bec i dnt hav a sense of worth. I hav self esteem and self worth some people would be tempted to coin narcissistic. I wana be clear wid dat. D worth dat m referin to, i hate to be to explicit bt jus to avoid misunderstanding, s one dat reside nt n myself bt in those that i surround myself with. My bro, my ever loving and understanding brother, paged me last nyt telling me to be sure wid wat m doing bec people count on me. He asked me nt to fail those dat have faith in me and are relyin n me.
i brushed off his msg wid a casual nyerkz, at cno naman umaasa sa akin? (yeah ryt, and who would those be?) it took me abt 24 hours and something more to realize d nfluence i hav on those around me. I admit dat n d weeks dat ive reconciled myself to stay wid my parents, i hav made myself visible and to my utter amazement productive. In fact, so productive dat people are noticing. Some are thrilled, few are relieved, and a handful knew dat i jus nided time.
i cnt deny dat i have been roused into something dat i liked doing. It was coming frm my very core. Its like i was born to do it. Its nt clear as to how im to do things bt d passion s there. And so far all dat ive been doing s to keep d momentum going. Things are doing good. I should be happy...I should be.
Bt m nt. Bec it dawnd on me dat as my presence s felt here, even more than i was ntending to, i am losing it somewhere else. When i look at dat facet of my life i suddenly feel weak. Yeah, i reconciled it to myself dat i cnt be in two place at one (bt if i can id be more than willing to try.) ive acceptd d fact dat as i grow rooted here, il be nothing bt a memory elsewhere. Soon m gona be reduced to nothing. Memories are ndespensable.
i wrote long time ago abt a friend who died. We were n grade 3 then. One nyt i rememberd him. I wonderd who else among his friends remember him. It took a song 4 me to remember. Songs and scents lend me pockets of memory that burst everytime i listen to them. Dat night i knew wat wil happen to me. Its inevitable. People fade. And i am accepting dat.
bt fading s nt d issue. f fading was d issue i dnt hav problems wid it. Der are a handful of ways to be imortal and if u browse through my entries i hav made mention of few dat i hav discoverd and believed in. Note, At dis point its safe to assume dat i mentally unstable and conflicting. If i fade then its nt impossible 4 replacment. Memories are matter. Matter takes up space. Wen u fade u free a space... Wats my worth? Wen i die will people remember me or Wil my memory be lost in time? Im dying ryt now and i can feel myself fading away.
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Yesterday i learned something very nteresting abt myself bt in reality i was enjoying vindicatn. Mean Koh? Bt I cnt help savoring d moment as if its completing me, making me whole. It feels as if a thorn is being plucked out off my chest. Its almost sweet. I can taste it on my lips.
A few blogs back i was rambling abt death and finding d reason to live. I think i hav. Evrything s diff now. They hav a new meaning and an inviting glow. I hav never explored life in dis perspective. I hav nt tried peeking n dis frame of thought b4 let alone live to tell abt it. 1 bec i never really come to a point wer in m forced to see it until a few weeks ago. 2 bec it seems to telenovela-ish and melodramatic 4 my palette. Bt mostly bec 3, its plain pathetic. If nt 4 d recent turn of events i wouldnt even be bloggin abt this. Wel it was until i was suddenly shaken to my very core. Aftr abt 8 years of reckless living its bound to happen. Who was i foolish? No one. so i was forced to see things differently.
earlier my dad called me 4 dinner. I was thinking of skippin it. I told myself uve gained to much weight, its bout time to consider moderating it. then i realize, not so many get to enjoy a hearty dinner wid both of their parents. Not so many out der hav good relationship wid their folks and at d same time have time to eat together. Dat small flickering thought floated through my selfish self and no sooner than i realize i was headin to our dinner table. While eating my dad and i shared jokes and laughd. My mom joined in while she ate her dietary allowance of fiber frm d veggies prepared by my cuz. Evry now and then we would make a comment abt d koreanovela punctuated by "ye chona." we had a blast at d dinner table. M glad dat i ate. Aftr all il always hav time to diet. Times like that are gold. They are rare and very special.
M glad i hav dat rude awakening a few weeks back. Dinner was amazing bcoz of dat. Actually my stay here s now more tolerable. Ah, lemme change that, its more beautiful and meaningful. things may have been difficult 4 me 4 d past few years bt slowly things are getting their color back. All around me colors are getting vivid. A new season has arrived and i hav vowed to make evry minute of it last 4ever, crystalizd n my mind and in my heart.
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Some people learn fast. (But) some people learn slower than most. I never thought in my wildest dream that in a way am a slow learner. If m nt slow i hate to admit it, let alone say it out loud, dat ive been stubborn.
yes, i hav! F nt 4 a friend's passion to try things out, dropping dat which hinders him, and pursuing wat s needed to attain self satisfactn and growth, i would hav lingerd longer, meandering aimlessly, seeking, hoping, and wanting nothing but the impossible. I took my queu frm him. Aftr all its already getting boring - doing d things that i hav.
its a humbling experience. Being the one dat needed help was not that which i fancied the most. Bt i did nided fishing out. I was drowning in d problems dat i have spawnd. I nided to get out of things and be free frm the entangled mess i hav made and gotten myself into in my attempts to make an existence out of a shadow of d past. I jus had to see it. Stubborn...stubborn...stubborn!
some people are indeed stubborn. U jus cant convince them to do things differently. I was amazed on how hard my head was to break. I was so deep nto trance that no matter how many told me i was wrong i was nt swayed! Even though some of those who dissuaded me spoke frm years of experience and earned wisdom. I was a tough nut to
break.
Bt i think wer all tough nuts one way or the other especially if we really need to learn something. Even if caring, loving people try to prevent u frm getting hurt, curiosity gets d best of us. And wen i say us i mean those that share my passion 4 learning frm their mistake. Nt all hav this adventurous gus2 4 life. Nt all hav knicks 4 staying firm wid wat they believe in til they get hit on d head. I remember wen i was young my mom told me nt to touch d iron bec its hot. Guess what i did? I touched the base of the iron. There i learned and to this day dared nt touch it again. I learned my lesson dat day and it seems like m learning another thing today, jus like my friend.
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[Sent by Yahoo! Mobile.]
Subject: tampo
WHAT IS "TAMPO" If you're planning to enter into a relationship with aFilipina, it's important to gain an understanding of what "tampo" is.
Let's do this in a clinical fashion...
Definition: While the analogy isn't perfect, you can think of tampo as "pouting" or"sulking".
Cause: Typically, a Filipina will exhibit tampo when she feels she has been neglected or ignored, but she may also invoke it when she is jealous, orbasically anytime her feelings are hurt.
Symptoms:The Filipina will seem withdrawn or sullen. She may be unusually silent, orshe may express her dissatisfaction by "whining" in a melodramatic, almost child-like fashion. She may refuse to eat only in the most severe cases!).
Duration and Severity of Condition:Tampo is a strictly short-term condition and should not be considered lifethreatening. Tampo is the result of mild dissatisfaction, not of actual anger.The behavior is a cultural norm in the Philippines. Tampo is a veryuseful tool, because it allows a Filipina to show her displeasure aboutsomething you have done. Remember, confrontation is generally unacceptable in a Filipino society, so disagreement or displeasure must be expressedindirectly.
Here is an example of tampo: You're with your fiancee walking hand-in-hand down a crowded street. Younotice a beautiful young woman walking toward you wearing a tank top that's cut way too low, and you can't tear your eyes away from her. Your fianceenotices this behavior. A non-Filipina might react by saying, "Put your eyesback in your head! I can' t believe you were staring at that girl right in front of me! What has she got that I haven't got!?" At which point she maystalk off, cry, or punch you.
A Filipina in that same situation, however, would probably squeeze your handand say something like, "She's pretty, 'no?" Then you'd stammer something about not noticing, blah, blah, blah, and you'd think you'd gotten away withit. Yet your fiancee would seem suddenly distant. She would not profer herhand to you as you walk together, she'd speak only when spoken to, and she'd probably shrug indifferently when you ask her a question.
You're on the receiving end of tampo. It's very important that youunderstand this: Tampo is merely intended to let you know that you'vecommitted some minor offense, for which you must make amends. It is a mild behavioral reprimand that verges on role-playing. The worst thing you coulddo is to get stressed out over a tampo session, because an over-reaction onyour part may escalate the situation to the point that your fiancee or wife becomes genuinely angry. On the other hand, don't misdiagnose genuineanger, sadness, or depression as mere tampo.
If your girlfriend, fiancee or wife seems deeply depressed, that is NOT tampo. If she's crying hysterically, that is NOT tampo. If she's hurling dishes at you, that is NOT tampo. Tampo is mild and controlled and is thedirect result of some perceived offense of a minor nature. It is short induration. If an emotional abnormality seems unusually severe or extended in duration, and you cannot identify the cause, it is not tampo, andconsequently deserves serious attention.
Thanks,
Marie Brandy A. Quinones
Quality Assurance Analyst
TXU-CGE Rangers
Ambergris Solutions Inc
31F Discovery Center
25 ADB Ave Ortigas
Pasig 1605 Phils
msn:brandyquinones@hotmail.com
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Parteeing wid glam. Parteeing 4 fun.
Dats d way to do it. D only way to drop it.
U pop it and hang on to it.
U strike a pose as the rush flows.
Ur d party. ur d event.
Partee like it will never end.
Crank it up, move a bit, show every how is it,
walk around, dance all around.
then sit down and enjoy thump.
Partee on till d break of dawn.
then head on to our own session.
Our family our partee our song playing on and on.
Lets partee like partee should be.
Partee wid glam, partee 4 fun.
Partee like how a partee should be done,
d way, our way, d fun way,
d glam way, d marquez way.
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My dad told me ones dat one unique and good quality i hav s d ability to understand. He told me that i shouldnt be too giving bec n a world wer people thrive on taking opportunity on d benevolent, i would surely get hurt.
He also noticed dat i hav d capacity to take in too much burden. Wen i forgive i tend to forget. Wen i meet someone i try to give em a clean slate eventhough d odds are obviously against me. I always told myself, i wouldnt want peeps to judge me by wat reputatn preceeds me. And so i make it a habit to extend dat same favor to others. Note: at this point m already making myself vulnerable.
Bt hey, i dnt want to be treated any diffly. If evryone believes their first mpresn which are usually marrd wid prejudiced nformatn, living and relating to others would be too much of a burden. So, i put my fate on d assumption and hope that evryone has a good nsyd em. M banking on an inner good that transcends time and past. Its a risky assumption and id be a hypocrite if id say i wasnt hurt b4 becoz of dis belief. My point s, it would be better to live a life believing n an innate good than trying to prevent urself frm getting hurt by judging everyone or by being jaded. Evryone has d right to self preservatn. Bt if evryone s solely consumnd by their existence then it would be a lonely place to live in - tis twisted world and society which we dearly call home.
I dnt want to live a life all to myself. Its lonely. And for sure one wil bore jus thinking abt himself. So i put my defences down and try to live d opposite. If i want people to see me beyond d façade i show, d innate defense mechanism, d need to survive, d instinct, d guts, i would hav to first break my shell. I cnt expect much frm anyone if i myself m too careful to make my real self knwn.
Realizing dat i tried to open up. Hoping dat others would be doing d same. Nstead of looking 4 d right person and expecting d ryt attitude frm those that i surround myself wid, i become that which i nid. By doing so i dnt fill myself up wid my delusions rather i open an avenue for those that are needing like me to open up. I hope that by breaking my wall they would too. If i call them friends y nt make urself
vulnerable.
Its risky and i knw it. People would say i wil surely get hurt. And yes i have bled. Some wounds ndeed take years to heal maybe even a lifetime. Bt n dis world, d real world, contrary to my ideal world, our ideal world, people do get hurt iregardles. Friends wil eventually sever bonds between each other. Some are done wid less intensity but most are those that leaves u crippled.
We get hurt only by those who we either knwingly or unknwingly let too close to us. We make ourselves vulnerable to them. And wen dey breakaway, it wil hurt like hell. bt at d same time ul knw who they really wer. Our true colors show wen wer under pressure. Some people would change on u in an nstant. Bt d true ones stay. N time dey become gems tested by time and continous pressure.
Y go tru all of dat? Bcoz life s too short. Wer bt specks of light n d rays of eternity. If n ur journey u get to hav a diamond or two, a ruby or emerald, an opal or jade maybe pershaps, then life is more meaningful. Ur spark lingers longer becoz its reflected n d dance of lights lingering through eternity. Those that live their lives all to themselves, their speck remains an indistinct shimmer.
On my deathbed i wana be able to say to myself dat i had a life worth living. I myt be mangled and torn nside bt at d least i hav jewels wid me. I had d honor of meeting brilliant people. My life although it would seem spent, it would have been meaningless nonetheless. It was nt devoid of purpose, one dat goes beyond myself. I shared my life wid others. Yes i may nt be complete bt i am made whole by those that i treasure.
Life s bitterly short. I want that to have sense transcending time and space. I understand bec thats my way of having faith in d innate good dat exist in all of us. I understand bec i want to find those gems worthy to behold. I understand nt bec m masochistic or full of myself bt bec i knw there are a lot out there who actually needs it. I understand knwing d risk that i am to take bec others nid nt suffer alone. Its a heavy burden and i knw more of dat now. I wil nt lie and say i hav nt reachd d point wer m driven to build again dat which i hav shed to enable me frm getting hurt further. Bt wat kind of existence would dat be? u and u alone. Its nt d way to live. Its nt d way to die.
My dad told me i hav this so called superhero complex. I want to save people and would often times go to great lenghts to help them. i see it differently, i am nt saving them. I am saving myself frm living a life devoid of meaning and worthwhile pursuits. I am saving me. I told two people in my 26 years of existence, two of which ive love more than myself, two that at this day remains to be my two towers, two greats, two hurts, two decision, that my life would make sense, all d pain and suffering worth it, if at thier death beds they would say i knew how it was to be loved...I met a person willing to love me iregardles d natural flaw. i dnt hav illusions of becoming a martyr. Its actually ridiculous to even think abt it. Bt i want to give nt bcoz i want to be hailed and crownd d most martry of dem all. Bt i give bcoz i also nid. I want that. Bt if every one wants to take no one wil be satisfied. D good thing s m blessd to hav been showerd wid so much love. I grew up n a home wer i was and stil am showerd wid so much love and affection. One which i cnt contain. So i give... Its probably my gift. And for some they call it my curse.
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"Pasado alas-dose na... Happy hearts day!!! Whatever ur status in d romance dept, whether taken, mistaken, looking, hiding, waiting or wilting i hope u will still find happiness as love becomes not a destination but ur way of travelling daily in the road of life." some1 sent me this and i smiled. I was reminded of how each day of my existence should be lived. I hav 4gotten n despair of d one dat died not too long ago. Its a breath of fresh air d message. Love s nt suppose to be d destination rather a way of life. If i live each day like dat den i hav nt lost it nstead m celebrating d gift of life, being able to love and nt
hinderd by watever circumstance. Happy valentines
world!
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Its almost 5am bt i stil cnt find sleep (as if its something you can find, hahahaha.) I wana escape n2 dreamland bec der i wnt be haunted by my demons which i breathe into existence. my undying blunder!
Amazingly i havnt had a nightmare n a long time and i sure hope i wouldnt hav one anytime soon. Bec merely living day to day s enuf to burden me. D thing m force to carry, although its my own doing, s too heavy. I look 4ward to many more sleeples nyts of torture and agony. Pain dat s nt limitd to myself bt dat which wil surely hurt those dat i love. If i can save them frm d blow m abt to give them i would bt its d ungrateful return for their unselfish love.
I thought i will never be capable to hurt them this bad bt it looks like i underestimated myself to my own disatisfactn. M nt yet certain bt for sure it wil hurt nonetheless. After all d goodness and kindness they have given me through d years i am to repay wid grief. Bec of my carelessness and reckless youth i may single handedly usher ntense pain to the only people who hav riskd their life and comforts to let me live. M such an arrogant prick who seeks nuthing bt pain to others as i seek to feed my twisted satisfaction.
I deserve worst i think...oh no, i know. bt even then im showered wid love and understanding i so nt deserve. I gues dats y m wide awake. My demons are keeping me up thinking, contemplating... Worst comes to worst i become d thing dat wil make them dat loved me unconditionali suffer beyond what they deserve. They may be doing d thing that only sons and daughters do to their parents. My selfishness and pride singlehandedly struck a fatal blow. If only it s fatal then id be carrying d burden. Bt it isnt physical death. Its death of something of more value. I hav killed their joy. The pride parents would hav wen their son hav made it big, hav become esteemd and envied by his peers. Bt i wil pay my debts wid this esteem. I wil be reduced to no more than a warning to lil ones. Dnt be like him. Now dat i understand i wish i hav done differentli 4 my parents. They so deserve it. Im sori. Damn i am!!! I hav shamed u over and over again. I jus want u to knw i am sori... Wat can i do to ever make up 4 it, tel me id be more than willing? Ma, Pa, ncase i wnt be abl to tel u m sori bcoz m ashamed to... Forgive me! I love u...
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Ders sumthing n me dat carelessly wish for a reactive
result. Maybe jus maybe i wnt hav to think of d future
and worry my ass off. If m definite dat my life would
end maybe id hav a brighter outlook. I may be busy
enuf livin d rest of my existence dat id forget how
miserable i am. Watelse s out der? More money? Damn!
nt a even million dollars can give me wat m longing 4.
No one can buy real hapiness. If i work my sori bored
ass off il hav money to spend. For sure it wil make me
hapi. Bt at d same time dat kind of hapines lends
itself to an addictn dat wnt stop until m tired
working and spending. So wat good wil it do? Maybe if
m dying d sun wil be brighter, d moon wil be more
beautiful. Everything wil be more meaningful in dat
fleeting moment. If m dying id probably hav a reason
to live.
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Der s something n d air that irritates me. For one i hav dis unrealizd craving to be wid some1. Earlier while on d way to dinner i was staring at dis person sitting opposite and a longing was brewing nside me. It came to an alarming point of want and need that i started to evaluate y i was n d first place staring as if wanting to own. I felt i need to find someone and wrap myself all over huever. i paged a friend abt dis sudden need for physical contact. Its weird bcoz i
consider it rare 4 me to really need, as in desperately, to be wid some1 and 2day seem 2 be a full moon.
ryt now im fyting d urge to spiral down an emotional roller coaster. I dare nt look back for i myt see something that may keep me here for longer than id be willing too. Maybe we really nid a human touch, a hand embracing u, a warm body unintentionally forcing u to go further n2 d mattress. Maybe i nid some1. Bt i knw i dnt nid a permanent bunkmate. I dnt even want to go through all that jazz dat come wid dat new pair of slip ons n d side of d bed. Well, maybe nt jus yet. Bt for this night, jus 2nyt, i knw id feel comfortabl next to some1 m attracted to at a mutual degree. I guess its safe to rant. It wud sure feel good to kiss someone...to feel my lips gracefuli and passionately against someone. Ah, a kiss. The dance of d body and soul. The slow choreography of touch, breathing, and seductn. M drowning. M wanting.
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