My dad told me ones dat one unique and good quality i hav s d ability to understand. He told me that i shouldnt be too giving bec n a world wer people thrive on taking opportunity on d benevolent, i would surely get hurt.
He also noticed dat i hav d capacity to take in too much burden. Wen i forgive i tend to forget. Wen i meet someone i try to give em a clean slate eventhough d odds are obviously against me. I always told myself, i wouldnt want peeps to judge me by wat reputatn preceeds me. And so i make it a habit to extend dat same favor to others. Note: at this point m already making myself vulnerable.
Bt hey, i dnt want to be treated any diffly. If evryone believes their first mpresn which are usually marrd wid prejudiced nformatn, living and relating to others would be too much of a burden. So, i put my fate on d assumption and hope that evryone has a good nsyd em. M banking on an inner good that transcends time and past. Its a risky assumption and id be a hypocrite if id say i wasnt hurt b4 becoz of dis belief. My point s, it would be better to live a life believing n an innate good than trying to prevent urself frm getting hurt by judging everyone or by being jaded. Evryone has d right to self preservatn. Bt if evryone s solely consumnd by their existence then it would be a lonely place to live in - tis twisted world and society which we dearly call home.
I dnt want to live a life all to myself. Its lonely. And for sure one wil bore jus thinking abt himself. So i put my defences down and try to live d opposite. If i want people to see me beyond d façade i show, d innate defense mechanism, d need to survive, d instinct, d guts, i would hav to first break my shell. I cnt expect much frm anyone if i myself m too careful to make my real self knwn.
Realizing dat i tried to open up. Hoping dat others would be doing d same. Nstead of looking 4 d right person and expecting d ryt attitude frm those that i surround myself wid, i become that which i nid. By doing so i dnt fill myself up wid my delusions rather i open an avenue for those that are needing like me to open up. I hope that by breaking my wall they would too. If i call them friends y nt make urself
vulnerable.
Its risky and i knw it. People would say i wil surely get hurt. And yes i have bled. Some wounds ndeed take years to heal maybe even a lifetime. Bt n dis world, d real world, contrary to my ideal world, our ideal world, people do get hurt iregardles. Friends wil eventually sever bonds between each other. Some are done wid less intensity but most are those that leaves u crippled.
We get hurt only by those who we either knwingly or unknwingly let too close to us. We make ourselves vulnerable to them. And wen dey breakaway, it wil hurt like hell. bt at d same time ul knw who they really wer. Our true colors show wen wer under pressure. Some people would change on u in an nstant. Bt d true ones stay. N time dey become gems tested by time and continous pressure.
Y go tru all of dat? Bcoz life s too short. Wer bt specks of light n d rays of eternity. If n ur journey u get to hav a diamond or two, a ruby or emerald, an opal or jade maybe pershaps, then life is more meaningful. Ur spark lingers longer becoz its reflected n d dance of lights lingering through eternity. Those that live their lives all to themselves, their speck remains an indistinct shimmer.
On my deathbed i wana be able to say to myself dat i had a life worth living. I myt be mangled and torn nside bt at d least i hav jewels wid me. I had d honor of meeting brilliant people. My life although it would seem spent, it would have been meaningless nonetheless. It was nt devoid of purpose, one dat goes beyond myself. I shared my life wid others. Yes i may nt be complete bt i am made whole by those that i treasure.
Life s bitterly short. I want that to have sense transcending time and space. I understand bec thats my way of having faith in d innate good dat exist in all of us. I understand bec i want to find those gems worthy to behold. I understand nt bec m masochistic or full of myself bt bec i knw there are a lot out there who actually needs it. I understand knwing d risk that i am to take bec others nid nt suffer alone. Its a heavy burden and i knw more of dat now. I wil nt lie and say i hav nt reachd d point wer m driven to build again dat which i hav shed to enable me frm getting hurt further. Bt wat kind of existence would dat be? u and u alone. Its nt d way to live. Its nt d way to die.
My dad told me i hav this so called superhero complex. I want to save people and would often times go to great lenghts to help them. i see it differently, i am nt saving them. I am saving myself frm living a life devoid of meaning and worthwhile pursuits. I am saving me. I told two people in my 26 years of existence, two of which ive love more than myself, two that at this day remains to be my two towers, two greats, two hurts, two decision, that my life would make sense, all d pain and suffering worth it, if at thier death beds they would say i knew how it was to be loved...I met a person willing to love me iregardles d natural flaw. i dnt hav illusions of becoming a martyr. Its actually ridiculous to even think abt it. Bt i want to give nt bcoz i want to be hailed and crownd d most martry of dem all. Bt i give bcoz i also nid. I want that. Bt if every one wants to take no one wil be satisfied. D good thing s m blessd to hav been showerd wid so much love. I grew up n a home wer i was and stil am showerd wid so much love and affection. One which i cnt contain. So i give... Its probably my gift. And for some they call it my curse.
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